we all have our baggage. in some form or another, we’ve got it. for some, the lack of any relationship experience can be a form of baggage too. relationships aren’t easy things. if they were, everyone would be with someone and no one would break up. the reality of the situation is that many people go through several relationships before finding the one that they settle down with. but the lack of experience can lead to things that you just have never experienced before and you are ill-equipped to handle. like i said, we all have our issues.
but this weekend, i was reminded of my past. you know, some people look at their past relationships and they cringe. others look fondly back and remember the good times. others still live in the past and haven’t moved on.
everybody is going to have a history. you just can’t help it. how you view that history, however, is an altogether different story. yes, i’ve dated some people who i would much rather forget because some of the memories that they’ve left with me have been rather frightening or unpleasant. i don’t really dwell on those memories, but they did help shape the kind of person that i am and the things that i look for in a relationship.
there was a long while when i couldn’t let go of my past. it was a painful time in my life where i couldn’t cope with the break up. too much of my life had been invested in the relationship, it seemed, and too much of myself was with this person. how could i possibly find someone else who i could connect with again at this level? i just didn’t think it was possible. i had felt that i had lost it all and in that i felt that all was lost. i couldn’t imagine that i would be happy again, not the way that i used to be. i couldn’t imagine that things would ever be the same.
and in a way, things have never been the same. they’ve become better. but for a long time i didn’t allow myself the opportunity to find another kind of happiness because i just couldn’t let go. it was a hard and painful process for me, but slowly it happened and i feel thankful for that.
i think that i choose to remember the good times in my relationships and try to downplay the bad times. i think this is how i’m able to be friends with some of my exes. even some that i felt great bitterness towards in the past.
recently, my past came up rather unexpectedly in the form of a phone call. i didn’t even recognize the phone number as i was checking my missed calls. then i checked my voicemail and the undeniably familiar voice was on the other line.
i called her up and we exchanged pleasantries. just called to catch up. haven’t heard from you in a while. that sort of thing. the conversation didn’t last long. in the past, i would have wondered at all of the things that our conversation could have meant. i would have remembered the ease with which we would talk endlessly until our batteries died. but that was then. last night, it was just a phone call. nothing more, nothing less. maybe we’ll talk again soon. maybe we won’t.
it used to be that i used to think that we were the best of friends. even after the breakup, i thought that we had this connection that you couldn’t just take away. i thought that we would be able to talk about anything and everything. but as it turns out, such isn’t the case. things change and so do we all. i guess last night’s conversation was just a reminder of things past. some things are better left that way. it’s just a part of me. i can’t take it away, but i don’t live it as my life, either. it’s just a part of who i am.