looking back in time…

we all have our baggage. in some form or another, we’ve got it. for some, the lack of any relationship experience can be a form of baggage too. relationships aren’t easy things. if they were, everyone would be with someone and no one would break up. the reality of the situation is that many people go through several relationships before finding the one that they settle down with. but the lack of experience can lead to things that you just have never experienced before and you are ill-equipped to handle. like i said, we all have our issues.

but this weekend, i was reminded of my past. you know, some people look at their past relationships and they cringe. others look fondly back and remember the good times. others still live in the past and haven’t moved on.

everybody is going to have a history. you just can’t help it. how you view that history, however, is an altogether different story. yes, i’ve dated some people who i would much rather forget because some of the memories that they’ve left with me have been rather frightening or unpleasant. i don’t really dwell on those memories, but they did help shape the kind of person that i am and the things that i look for in a relationship.

there was a long while when i couldn’t let go of my past. it was a painful time in my life where i couldn’t cope with the break up. too much of my life had been invested in the relationship, it seemed, and too much of myself was with this person. how could i possibly find someone else who i could connect with again at this level? i just didn’t think it was possible. i had felt that i had lost it all and in that i felt that all was lost. i couldn’t imagine that i would be happy again, not the way that i used to be. i couldn’t imagine that things would ever be the same.

and in a way, things have never been the same. they’ve become better. but for a long time i didn’t allow myself the opportunity to find another kind of happiness because i just couldn’t let go. it was a hard and painful process for me, but slowly it happened and i feel thankful for that.

i think that i choose to remember the good times in my relationships and try to downplay the bad times. i think this is how i’m able to be friends with some of my exes. even some that i felt great bitterness towards in the past.

recently, my past came up rather unexpectedly in the form of a phone call. i didn’t even recognize the phone number as i was checking my missed calls. then i checked my voicemail and the undeniably familiar voice was on the other line.

i called her up and we exchanged pleasantries. just called to catch up. haven’t heard from you in a while. that sort of thing. the conversation didn’t last long. in the past, i would have wondered at all of the things that our conversation could have meant. i would have remembered the ease with which we would talk endlessly until our batteries died. but that was then. last night, it was just a phone call. nothing more, nothing less. maybe we’ll talk again soon. maybe we won’t.

it used to be that i used to think that we were the best of friends. even after the breakup, i thought that we had this connection that you couldn’t just take away. i thought that we would be able to talk about anything and everything. but as it turns out, such isn’t the case. things change and so do we all. i guess last night’s conversation was just a reminder of things past. some things are better left that way. it’s just a part of me. i can’t take it away, but i don’t live it as my life, either. it’s just a part of who i am.


i’ve been pretty consistent with the lack of blogging over the weekend. as a result, i’ve got a lot that needs to be recapped. this weekend on a whole was spent with some much needed rest and relaxation. i don’t know what it was about this weekend, but man, i sure did sleep a lot. sunday was supposed to be spent biking, but because of the rain, our biking trip was cancelled.

i went to costco over the weekend and tried very hard not to overindulge in any one thing. it actually wasn’t too bad, i was able to leave costco while spending less than $100. usually, this is something that cannot be done easily.

most of the rest of the weekend was sort of a blur. can’t remember much of the details, but i do recall that it was very relaxing. volleyball on sunday night was the same. the season is a little past half over.

i thought that i had a lot to recap, but i guess i don’t really.

the guy that i was supposed to train had some kind of emergency and won’t be in the office for a few weeks now. so it’s back to the grind for me.




it’s official. [url=http://www.mars.com]mars, inc.[/url] is out to kill me. sure, they call their GIANT 3 pound bag of chocolate mix heaven “fun sized”. uh huh. suuuure. fun size, eh? let me tell you something. snickers, m&m’s, and twix put together in a giant bag is just brilliant. let me make sure that that point was made adequately.

complete. genius.

i have this sweet tooth. it’s undeniable. i have a particular weakness for donuts, but my sweet tooth is not limited to just that. no, it has far greater aspirations. i was walking around safeway when i stumbled upon this display of halloween candy. usually i’m able to stay away from these types of impulse buys, but when i saw this combination of candy, all sense, reason, and logic had left my body and in its place was an uncontrollable need to acquire this bag of candy.

and so what first started off as a simple errand became this inner struggle between my increasingly unsuccessful attempts to maintain a healthy diet and splurging on the joy that is a twix bar. i walked away from the display. surely, if i could walk away, i wouldn’t be tempted to get the bag, right? i went to pick up the other things on my list and on my way to the cash register something happened. even today, a day after the purchase, i still don’t know what it was that had come over me. but i was drawn to the candy display and though i could hear myself thinking that this was not a good idea, i could not stop my hands from snatching up this bag of pure delight.

i casually went to the register and laid out my items for purchase. the bag of chocolate joy was beckoning me to fulfill its chocolate destiny. how could i possibly refuse? it would be criminal to not help it fulfill its destiny. and who i am to stand in the way of destiny?

so, an hour and 1/4th of a pound later, i started to feel rather guilty about how i’ve been having so much “fun.” i guess you can’t win them all, eh?

lunch — top dog style

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[url=http://www.phamily.org]paul[/url] and i went to the oakland city center and ate at top dog. it was pretty good, it brought back memories of my berkeley days. i used to eat there and la burrita a lot. mmmm, la burrita. it’s kind of a long walk over there, but it was nice to get out for a bit, enjoy the nice weather we’re having, and have lunch.

you know that’s the thing about lunch. it’s time away from the daily grind…just a little bit of sanity in my day goes a long way.


but what of love?

“sometimes, you love so deeply and passionately to the point that there is nothing left in you anymore. it is never that easy. it takes luck and timing and a lot of bruising and scarring, before one truly finds what they are looking for…. if they do.”

the human heart is an amazing evolution. not only does it tirelessly work day in and day out without rest, but it is remarkably resilient when it comes to love.

i do believe that you can love someone so deeply that your love for them becomes all-consuming. i do believe that you can feel so passionately about someone that they mean everything in the world to you and there is nothing that you would not do for them. i do believe that you can give all your heart to another and leave room for nothing else to love. i do believe that this kind of unconditional love exists.

and sometimes, for whatever reason, this person who you love so much, this person who means everything to you is taken away from your life. it is never easy to pick up the pieces and just try to move on. that’s why they call it a broken heart. shattered into a million pieces, i’m sure that it is very easy to believe that you could never love again.

some people drift and wander aimlessly after they’ve had their heart broken. some people can’t seem to find their way back, to trust again because they either cannot accept what has happened to them or they cannoy accept the risks associated with trusting their heart to another.

there is no guarantee that you will ever find that person who you are destined to be with. let’s be realistic now, it’s true. not everybody lives that fairytale love story. it just doesn’t happen like that. thats why they are called fairytales to begin with. we come up with these perfect little stories to tell children to inspire them to greatness. we give them something to reach for. we would never want to jade them into cynicism.

but for those who have had their heart broken, i can only offer you this advice: get over it. i know it might sound a little callous, and i’m sure i can phrase it more nicely, but that’s the gist of it. yeah, your heart was broken. yeah, it sucks. yeah, i know, i’ve been there before. so sure, it’s scary to go out and try and find someone else who you can have that kind of relationship with again. it’s scary to think that you would want to subject yourself to this kind of pain again. it’s scary enough that some people may never want to face it again.

and that’s fine. that’s your prerogative. in everything, there is a certain amount of risk involved. after doing some risk analysis, if you feel that it isn’t worth it, then don’t do it. but i’ve always been a champion of love and i will argue to the grave that love is worth it. i will argue that love is all you need.

i never said it was easy. i never said that if you work hard you will be rewarded. but what i can guarantee you is that if you do not make the effort, then you will never have a chance.

random pictures from random times in the day

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while on the drive home from work, i decided to make use of the camera that i brought with me. nothing terribly exciting, but i saw some pictures on the web earlier that inspired me to do some more abstract picture taking. i wish i brought the real camera along though so i could do some more macro work. perhaps i will bring it with me tomorrow…

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at my destination, i got myself set up, pearl tea in hand, and laptop at my fingertips. and they happened to be showing the britney spears las vegas show on the tv. wireless internet, britney spears, and pearl teal…man, this place was MADE for me!


sign of the times

i’m not much for change, but recently we’ve had some changes in our development environment at work and so i’ve been forced to change some of my routines. now it’s been a long, long time since i’ve done anything really geeky, but i decided that it was about time for me to do something about my various unix prompts so that i can tell them apart.

and oh, i’ve rediscovered the joy of ANSI. yeah, pretty nerdy, i know.


liquid paper

i used white out for the first time in a long, long time today. i forgot how bad it smells. i’ve been using the little strips of paper thing instead of white out, but today we didn’t seem to have any of that so it was time to go back to the liquid paper.

it’s also been a while since i’ve had to write anything down. that was pretty interesting too. and speaking of old school, i also sent a fax today. if i didn’t know any better, it’s like i’m rejecting technology altogether. well…i guess a fax machine is still considered technology…low tech solutions, i guess.

i wasn’t feeling well yesterday, i think that i ate far too much for lunch and it upset my stomach. i decided that the best way to make things better was another low tech solution so i just slept it off.

no volleyball this week, it’s going to be a pretty light week, i think. maybe i should use this time and find something new to do. i was going to bring my camera with me to work, but i left it on the table because i was in a hurry to get to work. oh well.


thought of the day

“Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.”

i was reminded this weekend about this philosophy. i think as more and more time goes by, i realize that there are no guarantees in life.

you can’t just go and lower your expectations to the point where you can’t be disappointed…well, you can, but what kind of life will you be leading then?

you can’t go and hide away pretending that the world is perfect and that there are no problems…well, you can, but what kind of lie will you be living?

you can’t go and complain about how things are and then suddenly expect that everything will work itself out…well, you can, but how realistic do you think it is that your problems will really resolve themselves?

you can’t go and just hope that all of your problems will magically fix themselves.

yet so many times so many of us will do just these things hoping that through denial we will be able to find happiness. it’s odd because it seems that we all have a tremendous capacity for pain and suffering and we often opt to test these limits than to make our lives better for ourselves.

odd that we do this to ourselves, isn’t it?

but we still do. i wonder why. maybe because it’s just easier to suffer than it is to try and make a difference. maybe it’s easier to stay the course than it is to try and make waves to better your life. maybe it’s just safer to do that.

but the thing is, life is not about staying the safe course. love is not about playing things safe. when you do things, you should do things deeply and passionately. you should not half-heartedly love someone. why do you even bother? love is such a magnificent process, it should be lived out fully. there are no guarantees with love, but if you don’t give it your all, i don’t think it’s worth trying out. sure, you may get burned here and there, but i still believe that it is all worth it.

i heard someone say that half of all marriages end in divorce. that does sound a little discouraging, but no one talks about the other half. half of all marriages last with lifetime commitments. half of all marriages are for life, forever. isn’t the pursuit of love worth it?

all you need to do is get it right once.

lunch with mia, leeya, and paul

on friday, [url=http://www.phamily.org]paul[/url], [url=http://leafee.ocliw.com]leeya[/url], mia, and i went to [url=http://www.asqewgrill.com/menu.html]asqew grill[/url] at bay street in emeryville for lunch. it was very good. i was actually surprised that the restaurant was an all skewer type of a place, but the salads and sauces were quite good. i didn’t like the beef as much as the chicken, but both were still quite tasty.

i may have to go there again some other time. good eating, indeed.