memory lane

one of the reasons why i loved pet shop boys so much back in my high school/college days is because i suffered through so much angst and i felt like a chord was struck with me in so many of their songs.

At dead of night, when strangers roam
The streets in search of anyone who’ll take them home
I lie alone, the clock strikes three
And anyone who wanted to could contact me
At dead of night, ’till break of day
Endless thoughts and questions keep me awake
It’s much too late

when i was younger, i suffered a lot of jealousy and insecurity in my relationships because i was afraid that i would lose them. i guess the general insecurity i felt in these relationships can be attributed to many factors. maybe i felt like the other person was too friendly with other guys and i didn’t feel any more special than these other guys, maybe i felt like they would leave me because i didn’t have the same things to offer and maybe they would be happier elsewhere, or maybe i was just too depressed about other aspects of my life and i was afraid that things wouldn’t work out in my relationship, either.

whatever the case was, whenever i heard certain PSB songs, i always felt like i wasn’t alone and someone else was going through the same things that i was. it gave me a little comfort.

Where’ve you been?
Who’ve you seen?
You didn’t phone when you said you would!
Do you lie?
Do you try
To keep in touch? you know you could
I’ve tried to see your point of view
But could not hear or see
For jealousy

I never knew time passed so slow
I wish I’d never met you, or that I could bear to let you go
At dead of night, ’till break of day
Endless thoughts and questions keep me awake
It’s much too late

that’s the funny thing about love and matters of the heart is that you can be so uplifted from the tiniest things, but your mood can just as easily come crashing down around you. it’s the awful power that love has for those who are ruled by their heart.

over the years i think that i’ve changed a lot and the way i feel about relationships has also changed a lot. maybe i’ve matured over the years, maybe i’m more self-confident, or maybe i’ve just grown hard, i don’t know, but i’m not that kind of crazy insecure that i used to be.

i think that some of the songs that PSB sings have so much heartache and pain in them that i identified with them and it helped me deal with some of the things going around me.

I don’t know what you want
but I can’t give it any more
I don’t know what you want
but I can’t give it any more
You’re breaking my heart

i was talking to my brother last night and there’s so much stuff going on right now. it made me think back to when i much a much sadder person and some of the things that i did to deal with the problems i had.

i’ve realized, though, that i have a great capacity for heartache. i’ve had my heart broken many times before and i just don’t like it when i feel my heart breaking. people shouldn’t have to go through that kind of pain.

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