Category Archives: ponderings

is it fate?

as i was going home today, i started taking detours because traffic was pretty heavy. i was pretty low on gas and i had to make a bit of an emergency stop at this random gas station. as i was filling up, i was getting pretty hungry and i spied this mexican restaurant and i decided to check it out.

as i pulled into the parking lot i saw something that surprised me. a q-cup! it had just opened up and it is only a mile and a half from my home!

i think it was fated for me to find it today.

speaking of fate, i was just thinking that i needed to get some blank DVDs and i came across this deal at compusa for a spool of 100 blank DVDs for $20. i bought two spindles and just tested them out and it burned fine.

just when i had started to give up on fate, just when i thought that there really wasn’t any kind of sense of order or anything, something like this happens to remind me that maybe, just maybe, all is not lost.

or maybe i’m just reading too much into things.

either way, i got my pearl tea fix for today.

should i stay or should i go?

i’ve been trying to figure out whether or not to go to a friend’s get together later tonight. i haven’t really been in the much of a mood to go out these days, and i feel like i’ve been forcing myselt to not hole up in the apartment and just let the hours go by. i’m reluctant to go out though for a few reasons:

1) it’s thursday, so if i get trashed tonight, going to work tomorrow is going to be very unpleasant.
2) i don’t really know anyone who is going to be going to this thing except the guy who is throwing it.
3) i don’t know if i can really be in that kind of a friendly mood to go and talk to people and hang out. i…just…don’t…know.

a big part of me doesn’t want to go. a small part of me knows that if i go, it is a step in the right direction. i can’t just hole myself up forever and let the world pass by, no matter how much i want it to. today was supposed to be poker night, but i just am in no shape to entertain. maybe that should be reason enough not to go tonight.

maybe all i really need is some more dawson’s creek. right now andie and pacey have just started their courtship. andie found out that pacey isn’t as pure as he let on.

i remember a long time ago, i had told my girlfriend at the time that i was not really as pure as she had thought. it devastated her. for a long while i wasn’t sure if we were going to be able to weather through it. these days, i think about it and i just remember how easy it used to be. how innocent and naive relationships used to be. it just seemed so easy for everything to just work out.

whatever happened to that cheery optimism that i once had? reality, i guess…

how do you deal?

everybody deals with personal grief in their own ways. for some, when the going gets tough, they run. i used to run. i used to run away from any and all of my troubles, hoping that it would just go away if i avoided them long enough. but these days, it seems like the way in which i deal with harder times is by closing my heart to the issue.

recently, i’ve gone through some pretty tough times, and there have been many times where i feel like i’m not equipped to handle it. sometimes i just completely break down and there’s nothing i can do to regain my composure but to let it run its course and hope that it will end soon.

i think that i just close my heart, let the pain that it has suffered dwell in its own private misery and hope that after enough time has passed that it will heal on its own. it used to be that i used to wear my heart on my sleeve. it was obvious how i felt, what was going on with me, and there was just no question about it. i guess these days, i feel like i just can’t go on lamenting about my issues. it does no one else any good, and it certainly doesn’t make me feel any better.

sometimes talking about all the inner turmoil that’s brewing inside you just doesn’t do any good. all it does is agitate an already painful situation and then i’m left off worse than where i started off from.

i’ve been trying to figure out how to deal. do i surround myself with friends who can be there to comfort me? do i hermit myself away from the world? do i go wild and party it up and escape from the pain of it all?

i don’t know. i don’t know to deal, i guess i just have to figure it out.