i haven’t been feeling well. yesterday i stayed at home sick to my stomach and today has been really touch and go. i really regret having the large sandwich that i had for lunch. i think it was a little premature to have eaten such a meal when i’ve been having stomach problems.

but i was really hungry and i couldn’t help it. i needed to eat something solid. why is it that when we want something, even if we know that it is bad for us, we still yearn for it?

it’s sort of like the bad boy syndrome for girls. they know that it isn’t good for them, yet time and time again, many women will go for the bad boy type, even if they know it’s bad for them. or there are others still that stay with their significant other when they know that it isn’t good for them, but they stay anyway. i guess what our heart wants and what our minds tell us will always be in conflict.

i was supposed to go biking this weekend, but due to problems with my poor, aching body, i decided to bail out. it turns out that while on a bike ride, one of my friend’s friend took a bad spill and had to go to the emergency room and get 13 stitches on their knee.

man…that’s painful.

it does make me wonder if biking is really the sport for me. it seems that there’s so much potential for injury…

speaking of injuries, i played volleyball on sunday without my brace. i was sliding all over the court and the ankle felt fine. i wonder if i can continue to play without the brace support. i think that it may be good enough where i don’t need the extra support from the brace. that’s a bit of good news.

one of the players came to me yesterday and asked if i was putting together another team. i am trying to find another team to put together, but i think that i’m short another girl for this team. i think that i’ve got three guys lined up so far, so all i need is another girl and a guy and i’m set.

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i had a really bad night’s sleep last night. as a result, i stayed in bed extra late today because i just couldn’t function when i first woke up. i just couldn’t get out of bed. so it’s going to be a long day for me at work today. i don’t know if this is something that i can handle very well. we’ll see.

it’s surprising what a difference a night of sleep can make. i don’t know why, but i was really tired yesterday during the day and i took a nap after the niners game, which was kind of depressing. they started off well…

now it’s monday and i’m just trying to get through the day…

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there are some of us who are weighed down with the weight of the world. i remember back a long time ago when i used to fret, lament, and bemoan over every little thing in the world. i used to worry about things that were out of my control. i used to be concerned over details to things that had no relevance to my life…but worse yet, i would obsess over all the potential things that could happen to me.

for a time i lived in a world of fear. fear of what the future may hold, fear of what could happen. i would doubt myself and how i might handle certain situations. most of the time it really amounted to nothing. all of the worrying was for naught. my biggest fears never came up, and the things that i did obsess about weren’t as bad as i had thought that they were once i got through it.

i remember back in high school i had a lot of anxiety about my math notebook. it was completely unorderly, messy, and missing pages. i had a lot of anxiety about it because we had to turn in our notes for a grade. i dreaded the day that i would have to turn it in and see what kind of grade i would get.

sure enough, after i did turn it in, it was left to be graded, i got it back, and got some comments about how to improve it. i didn’t get a good grade either, but after it was all said and done it wasn’t as bad as i had thought. and when i think back to those times i realize that all of that worrying really didn’t help the situation, it just made my quality of life much worse.

there was this other time when i was dating this girl and i would dread having to talk to her. i would avoid her, i would try to make sure to call her at times she’d be unavailable, and i’d pretty much do whatever i could so that we wouldn’t talk. not exactly the shining example of maturity there…but it was inevitable that if we were to talk, we would fight, and i figured that it was better to not talk and not fight than to talk and fight. the biggest problem was that we never were really any good at problem resolution. i didn’t want to deal with the problem to find an agreeable answer and she didn’t want to compromise. in our own ways we were both stubborn and unempathetic to the other.

well, this caused no end of grief for me and i spent my days living in denial, fear, or anger at the situation. the problem was that i just ended up worrying about everything and didn’t move to get any resolution to anything.

some would call this the burden of life. some would argue that life is full of neverending struggle in the pursuit of perfection. i think the way i see things now is that i can choose to be difficult and not try to proactively better my quality of life if i want to. that is a choice. i can choose to live in denial and not accept reality. that is my perogative. but if i make these choices, i cannot blame anyone else but myself.

perfection is a nice ideal. it’s something that many people strive for. these days, i think that i’m rather comfortable with the idea that the world is not perfect. there are injustices out there and it’s a shame, but we can’t cry foul about how messed up things are and just do nothing about it. everyone does have a choice to try and better their own life. it’s just a matter of making the effort to try and improve your life however it is that you can.

i don’t consider the challenges that i have in my life as a burden of life. it’s just life. you roll with the punches, try and make the best of what you’ve got and push through it.

i recently had a conversation with a friend who seemed to have the weight of the world on his shoulders. perhaps part of it is a growing process. perhaps realizing that the way the world works is not perfect is a difficult pill to swallow. i remember the shiny-eyed boy that i was when i started working at my first job, earning a life for myself for the first time. i remember being shocked at how different the real world is compared to that of the school life that i had. i don’t remember the moment when my vision of utopia came crashing down on me and i was left with reality, but i do know that it is how we handle this transition that defines us.

some of us choose to continue live in denial. others of us choose to push through our ideals and do our best. there’s been a lot of talk about how disappointed people are about the results of the election. i’m disappointed too. but that’s life. it isn’t the end of the world. it’s now a question of what do we do from here?

this pearl tea shop first piqued my interest a while ago when it opened and it had a refreshing change of pearl tea. it’s more tea-heavy than the usual places i frequent, so i liked going here from time to time. but consistently i’ve been disappointed with the cold temperature at this place. they leave the doors open, and in this winter air it can get rather chilly in there.

but that isn’t what frustrates me about the place. what really pisses me off to no end is that they levy an electricity plug-in charge of $1 an hour. now, it doesn’t really cost all that much, and they do offer FREE wireless internet, however, the fact that they are petty enough to charge for electricity outrages me.

i mean, if you are going to give away free internet access, why on earth would you charge for electricity? no other place i know of charges for such a service. i guess if you consider it more like an internet service charge, then it’s pretty reasonable, but still…very disappointing…and annoying.

i went to vote touchscreen-style, today. i had written down all of choices for the props and measures so the voting process was actually pretty quick. there wasn’t a wait at the poll and there were plenty of touchscreen polling areas for everyone to vote.

anyhow, it’s another two hours before the west coast polls close, so if you are reading this and you haven’t voted yet, go vote!

there was no volleyball on sunday this week. it feels rather odd to only have one night of volleyball. id on’ think that i can do it. so i think that this has given me more incentive to try and pick up another team. now the question is….will i be able to find another team?

hmmmmmmmmmmm.

speaking of which, someone stole my volleyball. the one that says “please don’t steal me” on it. how rude.

oh yeah, for the first time in 5 years, we had trick or treaters. this also happened to be the first year that i didn’t buy candy for trick or treaters, so imagine my surprise when i hear knocking at my door and i find a couple of trick or treaters waiting for candy. i found some candy that i had bought for myself and gave them the last two pieces that i had. so sad.

but when i was a kid, if we didn’t get candy, man! i would be so upset! but here’s my take on trick or treating. you really want to get the most candy possible with the least amount of work. as a kid, walking around with a big take gets tiresome and so you don’t want to stray too far from your home, nor do you want to have to walk far to get lots of candy. my friends and i had a system where we first scouted out all the neighborhoods and came up with a plan on which neighborhoods we should hit first. who had the best candy? who was the closest?

after we worked that out, we set out to get our stash of candy. we planned it so that we would work our way back to our homes in the middle of our candy collection so that we can empty out our bags at home to lighten the load. we would choose neighborhoods that had lots of small homes close together instead of the rich places with big houses far apart.

my parents now reside in a house that is in a very hilly area with houses farther and fewer in number than i would like, so i would skip out on places like that and opt for nice flat, high density areas.

now, i live in an apartment complex. this would be GREAT for trick or treating, but only on the lower level. i would never climb flights of stairs to get a piece of candy…it just isn’t worth it. so i was particularly surprised to see these trick or treaters coming up a flight of stairs to get candy…it just doesn’t happen. but it did and they took my last two pieces of candy. *sigh*

i wouldn’t consider myself to be a very political person. let’s say that i am mildly political, but i do believe in fulfilling my civic responsibilities and being an informed voter is one of them. so it looks like part of this weekend is going to be spent reading up on political issues and deciding what to vote on.

[url=http://www.mypollingplace.com/find.php]my polling place[/url] is a good resource if you don’t know where your polling place is. go vote. it prevents cancer, helps you lose weight, and makes you more virile, you know?

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i recently have been dying at work. i just feel so far behind that any kind of progress seems only to be celebrated with the reminder that there is just so much more left to do. [url=http://www.track15.com]dardy[/url] will probably know the pain that i’m going through as i’m tearing up someone else’s code and extending it to suit the new needs of the business. let me just say that the existing code had some rather disturbing shortcomings so now i’m left with the task of making things better.

it’s been a long day, but it started a little late for me, too. i got into work a little after 9AM today (shockingly late, compared to my normal 7AM arrivals) and i’m still chugging away at the code at 6:53pm. i’ve been dreading the part that i’m working on now…rewriting the security layer of the application. i hate dealing with permissions and users and stuff. lame to have to reinvent the wheel with a twist. oh well.

but i am making progress, so i guess i can’t be complaining. i guess that’s one of the advantages of working a 10+ hour day, right?

i really should just go home now…and if i feel so compelled, i should just work at home tonight, but for some reason i’ve been finding it harder and harder to work at home. i’m not sure what it is, but there’s something that just makes it really rather hard.

i’ve got elvis costello’s the very best of album playing now. it’s rather soothing. i think that i generally found melancholy music to be soothing and relaxing when i’m stressed. kind of weird, huh? i like the rain too.

not much going on today and it doesn’t look like much else will be going on seeing how i’ll probably end up working the night away until i fall asleep. maybe i’ll grab some pearl tea on the way home.

at least it’s hump day…half the week’s over!