carol: ok, go east which is uhhh…towards the sun.
me: …uhhh, ok.

i was at this bar/club over the weekend and in my group of friends there were four jennys, a jackie, and a mimi. lots of “E”-ending names there. i kept forgetting names of people and so when i forgot, i would just guess “jenny”. turns out that i was right most of the time.

ten years ago: i had just started college. it was hard waking up for my morning classes and i met my current roommate for the very first time. she thought i was weird.

five years ago: i broke up with the girl that i had dated for 6 years. everything was changing, i was changing. i was looking for new meaning, new purpose, a new life.

one year ago: i have been playing volleyball for a while, working at my job for a while, and things seemed to be pretty stable and secure.

one day ago: i had played one of the better games of volleyball that i’ve played in a while, but was one of the most stressful days i’ve had in a long time. i usually don’t feel stress, so to be stressed was a little unnerving.

one hour ago: i went to starbucks to get some coffee and went across the street to get a blueberry bagel.

ah, life is good.

i just found out that a dear friend of mine has decided to uproot herself and move to boston. she didn’t really have any plans to do so until last saturday. saturday! she just decided she’s going to up and move clear across to the other side of the country. i can’t even imagine what that is going to be like.

i admire her, though. she is chasing after her dreams. she’s always been able to go into the unknown and face it with a great sense of courage. it makes me wonder if i can uproot myself like that and blindly follow my heart.

i’m going to be sad when she leaves, i was just getting used to having her around and we didn’t hang out nearly as much as we should have.

one of the reasons why i loved pet shop boys so much back in my high school/college days is because i suffered through so much angst and i felt like a chord was struck with me in so many of their songs.

At dead of night, when strangers roam
The streets in search of anyone who’ll take them home
I lie alone, the clock strikes three
And anyone who wanted to could contact me
At dead of night, ’till break of day
Endless thoughts and questions keep me awake
It’s much too late

when i was younger, i suffered a lot of jealousy and insecurity in my relationships because i was afraid that i would lose them. i guess the general insecurity i felt in these relationships can be attributed to many factors. maybe i felt like the other person was too friendly with other guys and i didn’t feel any more special than these other guys, maybe i felt like they would leave me because i didn’t have the same things to offer and maybe they would be happier elsewhere, or maybe i was just too depressed about other aspects of my life and i was afraid that things wouldn’t work out in my relationship, either.

whatever the case was, whenever i heard certain PSB songs, i always felt like i wasn’t alone and someone else was going through the same things that i was. it gave me a little comfort.

Where’ve you been?
Who’ve you seen?
You didn’t phone when you said you would!
Do you lie?
Do you try
To keep in touch? you know you could
I’ve tried to see your point of view
But could not hear or see
For jealousy

I never knew time passed so slow
I wish I’d never met you, or that I could bear to let you go
At dead of night, ’till break of day
Endless thoughts and questions keep me awake
It’s much too late

that’s the funny thing about love and matters of the heart is that you can be so uplifted from the tiniest things, but your mood can just as easily come crashing down around you. it’s the awful power that love has for those who are ruled by their heart.

over the years i think that i’ve changed a lot and the way i feel about relationships has also changed a lot. maybe i’ve matured over the years, maybe i’m more self-confident, or maybe i’ve just grown hard, i don’t know, but i’m not that kind of crazy insecure that i used to be.

i think that some of the songs that PSB sings have so much heartache and pain in them that i identified with them and it helped me deal with some of the things going around me.

I don’t know what you want
but I can’t give it any more
I don’t know what you want
but I can’t give it any more
You’re breaking my heart

i was talking to my brother last night and there’s so much stuff going on right now. it made me think back to when i much a much sadder person and some of the things that i did to deal with the problems i had.

i’ve realized, though, that i have a great capacity for heartache. i’ve had my heart broken many times before and i just don’t like it when i feel my heart breaking. people shouldn’t have to go through that kind of pain.

i’m currently connected to the internet via the free wireless connection afforded by jetblue at JFK. it’s pretty neat. my flight’s just about to board so i guess i should pack up and get ready soon.

my trip to NYC is just about over and as short as it was, it was a lot of fun. i hope that i’ll come back some day to visit all of the things that i missed the first time around.

i’m in new york. this will be my second and last night here. i’m not quite ready to recap all that i’ve done so far, but it has been a full, fun, and fabulous trip so far. it’s about 4AM here and i’ve come back from a night of drunken fun. it seems to be the norm here.

i’m kind of bummed out that i haven’t been able to get ahold of one of my friends here, but time really is running short and i think that i want to take things pretty easy tomorrow.

the one thing i will say about new york is that it is much cleaner and nicer than i expected. i’m not sure if i thought it would be so dirty because of movies that i’ve seen or what, but it has been pretty pleasant for the most part.

i haven’t gotten lost on the subway, yet. i’m hoping that i don’t, and though the subway maps can be a little hard to decipher at time, it really isn’t so bad.

alright, it’s pretty late here, i should probably hit the sack.