dardy asks if i have ever said “i love you” too soon. there have been times where i felt such an intensity of emotion that i did blurt out “i love you”, but i believe that at the moment that’s truly how i had felt and regardless of time, i felt it was appropriate.

that being said, i do recall rather vividly a time when i had said those three words and it was met with empty silence. no acknowledgement of what i said, no response, nothing. instead it was as if i had never said anything. this devastated me. i wasn’t sure if i was the only one that had felt that way and maybe the other person just didn’t feel anything for me…i had no idea, but i remember the first time that i had said those words and it was met with silence. i can understand a smile, i can even understand a lie because of the pressure to say something, but to just ignore it…that was painful.

painful and traumatic, really. from that moment i had a lot of questions about how the other person felt about me and that started to affect how i felt for them. walls started to build to protect myself from future pain because it seemed to be that they weren’t as into me as i was into them. i scaled back my affections and measured my feelings against theirs, trying not to overextend myself for fear of getting hurt. this, of course, backfired, because it just created a divide between us. i didn’t recognize it at the time, but trying to temper my feelings for the other person because i was afraid of getting hurt was actually making me feel less about them. that’s the only way i could put an emotional wall around myself.

the relationship didn’t last and i left that relationship with a life lesson and some emotional scarring. i didn’t realize it, but in future relationships, i grew much more cautious about showing my affection because i didn’t want to go through an incident like that again. it was only after time and some reflection that i think that i started to open up again. and the life lesson i learned was that i really need to be in a relationship with someone who is expressive about their feelings. if i don’t have that, i feel like i don’t have the emotionally connection that i need.

…but in a good way, if that’s at all possible.

i have been swamped. the light at the end of the tunnel looked like it was just an optical illusion, because every time i thought i was approaching it, a dark cloud of defeat rolled around me.

but i’ve finally reached it, and let me tell you it feels great. no more crazy hours of work, no more cramming to finish stuff, no more cramming to fix bugs, no more cramming of any kind. now all i have to do is relax and enjoy the fruit of my labor. have i mentioned that it is wonderful?

i have been busy, though, but i have a lot of pictures coming up. i just need to sit down and process them all.

not this weekend, but the weekend after this weekend will be the first weekend that i don’t have anything planned. i may end up keeping it like that because it would be really nice to not have to do anything for a change.