i feel like i haven’t eaten in a long time. i didn’t really eat dinner last night because i didn’t want to be weighed down at volleyball. we were missing two of our players this week so i asked cathy and john to sub for us. it worked out well and i had fun. we also managed to win most of our games so that was a good thing.

yesterday was a day of errands for me. got some gel to replace my dwindling supply and i did some other shopping for some odds and ends.

i just finished off my leftovers from the cheesecake factory the other day ago. it was pretty good. i wonder if i’ll get hungry at lunch again.
—–

saw s.w.a.t. over the weekend. let’s just say that that was time that could have been better spent. oh well. i also watched mystic river last night. i fell asleep during the movie. it just moved too slowly and didn’t really get interesting until the last 15 minutes…and it easn’t even worth the wait, in my opinion.

but i did see love actually and it was quite good. so good in fact that i think that i will watch it again.

==========
son: you really want to know?
father: i really want to know.
son: even though you won’t be able to do anything to help?
father: even if that’s the case.
son: ok. the truth is…i’m in love.

…

father: i’m a little releived.
son: why?
father: well, because i thought it would be something worse.
son: worse than the total agony of being in love?
father: ah…no. you’re right. the total agony.

—–

[url=http://www.track15.com]dardy[/url] and i were chatting a little about relationships (what else?) and some of the pitfalls that people seem to fall in when it comes to seemingly destructive relationships. why is it that so many people continue to stay in relationships that seem to destructive in nature? why is it that so many people continue to stay in relationships that just don’t seem to make sense?

i asked him if he knew that a girl had a lot of issues, would it dissuade him from pursuing something with him. intellectually, people generally know if someone is not good for them, yet they still seem to end up dating the person. why is that? he said that it would probably really deter him from pursuing something…unless she was fabulously sexy or sassy or something. so really, so long as the girl is attractive to you in some form, recognizing these other issues doesn’t seem to really stop one from pining over them.

and then i asked, can you have a crush over someone who you know possesses qualities about them that are deal breakers in relationships. usually if you recognize that someone has qualities about them that are not desirable in terms of a relationship, one would just close the door on them, right? but instead, he told me that thought it might make sense not to pursue them, some may consider these people as projects. they may think that they could change the person and mold them into the person that they want them to be. ah, to date a project.

it made me think about whether or not i’ve dated someone and considered them a project. i don’t think that i ever have. i don’t really believe in changing other people and molding them into whatever idea of perfection that i have. it is far too much work to try and change people like that and i don’t think that i would appreciate someone else trying to change me either.

usually if i meet someone and i realize that they have one of the few deal breakers, i immediately get turned off and don’t think of them in any kind of romantic way. why bother? i will admit though that there have been girls who i’ve met who i started to get interested in only to find that they do have one of the deal breakers and then it was very hard for me to let those feelings go. but i figure you can’t pine over something that you ultimately don’t want…it just can’t end well.

but it seems to be that in a lot of relationships logic, reason, and commonsense seems to go out the window and instead we employ the far more dangerous guide of our hearts to lead us to our destiny. odd in a way, but for me, i’d have it no other way.

—–

[url=http://www.phamily.org]paul[/url] invited some people over to bbq. he had made prime rib. mmmmm. 3 hours of slow roasting joy. i don’t know what he used to season it, but damn, that was some of the best prime rib i’ve had in a long, long time. he had horseradish and all. it’s never a disappointment to eat his cooking.

it makes me want to make my own prime rib. i just don’t know if i have three hours to push aside sometime just to make the prime rib…but if i did…mmmmm.

the only regret i had last night was that i left a little early because i was feeling tired and i wanted to go back home so that i could just rest up. i didn’t end up going to sleep as early as i had hoped, but i think that just lounging at home was more relaxing.

it seems that i haven’t been getting too much sleep, though. today was ok. maybe about 6 hours. much better than usual, i suppose.

—–

have you ever looked back at a time in your life and wondered…”woah, what was i thinking back then?”

such examples of this can be found through various moments in my life. there was a time in my life when i really wanted to get my ear pierced. i thought it was the coolest thing and a great form of rebellion. now that i think back to it, i wonder what it was that i was rebelling against and why i wanted to rebel so much. back then i think it was a rebellion against my parents, but these days i think that i find myself striving to be more like them than anything else.

there was another time in my life where i was seriously considering moving to sacramento and starting up a new life there. i think a lot of that was motivated by a recent break up and general discontentment with my life. i think about what my life would have been like if i were in sac now…and all that i can think of at the moment is…much, much hotter.

but i also think about past relationships i’ve been in. i think that i’ve changed quite a bit since the first girl that i’ve dated. in my very early relationships, i was the kind of person who wanted to be told what to do. i was the kind of person who needed someone to take care of me…almost to the point of thinking for me. basically, i was whipped…and then some.

it’s been a slow evolution since. i think that the kind of girl that i want to date has changed quite a bit too. i used to really like the strong, mean types. i thought that they could take care of me and anything that may come my way. since then, i think my type has changed to a softer, gentler type. i think that the kind of girl that works best for me is someone who inspires others to want to spend time with them. it’s the kind of friendliness that is just inherent in their being.

it’s interesting to look back at yourself from time to time (oooh, i almost forgot my hair dyeing phase) and sort of laugh at yourself for some of the things you’ve done and then try to remember why it was that you were like that.

you know, it’s odd. sometimes i see the world just go by and i feel like it’s just moving all too fast. sometimes i feel like i’m standing still while everyone else is just running out and around me. these days i think that i’ve been taking things more slowly.

there has been something that has been mildly bothering me for a while now and so i had decided to make minor changes in my life to see if it would improve the situation. generally speaking, i think that it has given me a little perspective on my life and the goings on of it.

i can’t help but feel a sense of disconnect when it comes to some of my friends. we just haven’t seen each other in a long while or we haven’t really talked in a long while. and when i see all of the changes that have been going on in their life, it sort of makes me realize how much things have changed.

i see some of my friends lamenting about this or that and they seem to be going down a path that will just further add to their lament. the one thing that i’ve learned over the years is that you can’t force people into the “right” decision. most people don’t want to be told what to do or how to think. we’re just far too independent for something like that. sometimes people just need to make the mistake that they did and learn from their own experiences.

sometimes you can’t save everyone. sometimes you have to go and see them hurt so that they can feel it for themselves so they know that they’ll never want to do it again. it’s your life, you gotta live it…both good and bad.

“I will tear you to pieces with my bare hands…or vicious rhetoric.”

loved…that…line.

—–

i remember a while ago my mom and i were having a conversation about happiness. she had told me that a lot of people believe that money is the key to happiness. she told me that a lot of people thought that if you had a lot of money, then you can have all the the things in the world that could make you happy.

and though veronica does make me happy, even if i were without her, i think that i could be just as happy. but the one thing that my mom said to me which i found rather striking was that the lack of money is a source of unhappiness. she told me that it isn’t so much about having so much money that you don’t know what to do with it as much as it is about having enough money to have all your basic needs cared for.

she then went on a tirade about how spoiled i am because i’ve found work that pays for more than the bare essentials. she reminds me of how i grew up and the things we did to make ends meet. she asked me if i remembered those times and she asked me if things were different, would i still be the same way that i was now.

all too often people are obsessed with the pursuit of happiness in the form of money. they think that if they have all the money in the world they wouldn’t have any problems. it’s been something that i’ve been thinking about lately. if i had a choice between being happy or being rich, which would i choose?

one of the nice things about being rich is that it gives you the freedom to do whatever it is that you want. see the world, go on adventures, get new things…all sounds pretty attractive. but if you weren’t rich, but you were happy what kind of life would you lead? i think that a happy life is one that isn’t necessarily full of lavish belongings or extravagant vacations…it’s something that at the end of the day you look at how the day progressed and you feel yourself smile.

i think that’s ultimately what i want. i want to feel myself smile…that isn’t to be confused by the actual act of smiling, but the warmth that rushes all over your body as happiness consumes you. i’ve felt a few moments of bliss and i have to say that it is because of those moments that i have staved off any sense of deep jadedness in me.

maybe it’s the romantic in me that chooses love over money. maybe i just can’t get myself to fully live in the practical world. whatever the case may be, i think that i’m rather happy just the way i am and i don’t think that i would change how i think.

The world is no longer a romantic place, some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise.

—–

i was telling a friend about a recent plight of mine and how it was really rather upsetting. my friend then said, “you’re gonna take it ou on them tonight aren’t you?” oh how well they know me. i was considering it for a while thinking that it’d make me feel better but when the time came, i just didn’t have the heart to do it anymore.

just thinking about the whole ordeal started to get me down and i couldn’t get myself to wreak havoc on the person because it just started reminded me of the whole thing. it’s all over and done with anyway and there was no malice to the person’s actions. it was an honest misunderstanding so i might as well let bygones be bygones.

odd though…i used to make such pleasure in doing something like that. i wonder if i’m growing soft in my old age.

—–

saturday was the shindig tournament. it was a reverse 4s tournament that i played with jen, cathy, and de. it was a lot of fun and it was good to hang out with them. we had fun and played pretty well, though i think that i tweaked my ankle while playing over the weekend. not sure how i managed to tweak it while wearing an active ankle brace, but it hurt like you can’t imagine and still smarts now. *sigh* me and my ankle woes. when will it ever end?

sunday was spent with the fam celebrating father’s day. it was during this brunch that the conversation about me buying a house was started. i’m still not totally sure if this is something that i want to do, but i agreed to have my dad talk to his realtor friend to get me set up to look at some homes. it still feels a little wrong to look for a house without a wife…i don’t know, i just have this romanticized dream that my first house will be with my wife.

but i guess a lot of things said during that conversation made sense, so i guess i’ll just go start looking to buy a home. sigh.