i never understood why people enjoy having conflict in their relationships. i never understood why that’s a good or desirable quality to have in order to have a successful relationship. it drives me crazy when i hear about people who do things that are designed to provoke a reaction out of the other person so that they know that the other person cares about them. why do people feel that this is an effective and desirable way to find out how others feel about them?
i also don’t understand why people believe in playing hard to get. why do you want to impede in the progress of something that could be great? wouldn’t you rather drive towards the same endgame? why does it feel better to have to overcome some kind of massive hurdle, some kind of painstaking courting process to end up dating someone? why do people feel like dating should be some kind of rite of passage filled with tortuous tests?
i just don’t get it. why does dating have to be difficult?
Well, the hard to get thing is because when you’re too easy-going and you make it too easy on the other person, they tend to take you for granted. So you don’t want to look desperately available in the beginning stages. But in a relationship itself, there shouldn’t be games like that, if both parties are past the age of, oh, 15.
i have a lot to say about this subject, but for now, dating and relationships are hard (why do you think i’m not in one)…..
I don’t understand why people are more likely to buy a product when it’s endorsed by a celebrity. Why would an attractive woman’s endorsement of a cola product matter to me? (Authority)
I don’t understand why people will pay more for tupperware when it’s sold by a friend than when it’s sold by a stranger. (Liking)
I don’t understand why people look up if they pass a crowd of people looking up, even if they have no interest in anything that might be up (Social Proof).
I don’t understand why so many people stay in abusive relationships.
The point is, people’s behavior isn’t always driven by reason…it’s often driven by sociological conditioning. (And since you actually know that, Wilco, I have to wonder what’s really bothering you…what the backstory is.)
Or it’s possible that people are reasoning through it, and the thrill of competition (argument) is a benefit that outweighs (to them) the cost of it (conflict)
Or that people have found that playing hard to get invokes a level of consistency and commitment from their pursuer…”I fought so hard to get this partner, that I’m less willing to walk away from the relationship.” See, they’re driving *away* from the “breakup” endgame, by playing hard to get.
Human interaction can be modelled as a game. And you can be very successful at the game without being happy. I recommend that, rather than thinking about things in game-theory terms, people focus on happiness. Maybe that’s your point, but I sense there’s a concrete irritant to you, instead of just abstract, philosophical thought, here…
i have never liked games. i think it’s a waste of time. i have a few friends who believe that they have to fight so hard to get this partner, otherwise it’s too easy and it mustn’t be worth it. i never really thought of it so much as they had to fight hard to get the person so that makes them less willing to walk away, but i guess my point is that i think that kind of thinking is flawed. i don’t think that you have to overcome this seemingly insurmountable obstacle just to make it worthwhile. just because it is hard to get, doesn’t mean that it’s worth it.
i think that the easiest pursuit of happiness is the one that is the most natural. if it is naturally easy to happy, that’s all the better. why work so hard to try to be happy if there are all these obstacles that are in your way? happiness should be easy.
I think what’s sometimes misconstrued as playing hard-to-get may actually be a lack of genuine interest. It makes certain people feel better to say, “Oh, she’s just playing hard-to-get, she really wants me to work harder for her,” than to admit, “She’s not into me.”
That kind of thing was fun, in 7th grade. I do admit that I don’t want someone to fall for me right away… I’d rather it take it’s own natural course. I don’t want them to call instantly after a date… or a hundred times the next day. It gives you time to miss them a little.. want them even more? I don’t think that is a game… just kind of cute’ish.