it’s been a while since i think i have been able to say that. got a lot of work done today and also got some really good volleyball in. it’s been a while since i’ve been able to say that too.

work has thrown me a few loops lately, but i made some great headway to finish up some of the new tasks. so i’m pretty happy there.

volleyball today was great too. i came in thinking that i would be able to play my normal position again, but it turns out that i’m setting this season too. i’ve been getting more and more comfortable playing setter, but it’s been a long time coming. i got some really good sets in today and i was overall pretty happy with how i played. as a team, we went 3-1, not too shabby for a late night start. i’m looking forward to playing next week.

for the first time in a long time there was this excitement in the air. i was pretty happy to be playing and it was a great and much needed release.

and my new hard drive came in today. 250GB of pure storage ready to be outfitted in its external enclosure. paul suggested that i try something out to fix the USB connectivity and it appears to have worked. it’s formatting now, but it’s taking FOREVER to format. but i’m quite pleased with that. now the big question is whether or not i can find some little nubbings because my enclosure didn’t come with the rubber feet that it was supposed to come with.

as soon as i can check to make sure it has been formatted right, i think that i will be heading off to sleep.

—–

after reading an [url=http://leafee.ocliw.com/comments.php?id=188_0_1_0_C]entry of leeya’s[/url] recently, i felt the need to reexamine the issue with being friends with your ex. many people have just as many opinions about what the right thing to do is and i’ve been thinking about that myself.

i think that i take a rather different approach to the topic of maintaining a friendship after a break up. sure, it all depends on the situation, but i do not believe that there is anything inherently impossible or wrong with being friends with someone that you dated. now, truth be told, i do not really share a very close relationship with any of my exes right now. there are a few that i wish i could keep in more regular contact with because whenever we do spend time together the friendship that we share is stronger than many of my other friendships. but life, for whatever reason, has just made it such that it is either inconvienient or not worth it to make the effort.

some relationships i’ve had with some people are best left forgotten. maybe it was too traumatic, maybe it was too painful, but there are some people who i make no effort at all in maintaining a friendship because it just wasn’t worth it for me.

as leeya points out, if a friendship is one-sided, then you really have to question why you are continuing to make the effort to stay friends. but for some people, a one-sided friendship is all that they really want or need. they are completely satisfied with the friendship, even if they are making all the effort. this is how i feel about dido, britney, and lexa doig. my relationship with them is very special, though completely one-sided. but this is true of any friendship, be it with an ex or otherwise.

but the question posed is “what is the point?” for one to consider maintaining a friendship with their ex means that you still value their friendship, without the emotional entanglements. leeya asks can you settle for less? i don’t really see it as settling for less. just because you were in a once loving relationship doesn’t mean that being friends is a step down. maybe, for whatever reason, the relationship just wouldn’t work out. that’s completely plausible. maybe this is just an evolution in your relationship from lovers to friends. i believe that the potential for being a great friend is still there. i don’t think that you have to be really close friends to be able to “salvage” a friendship out of a broken relationship. i don’t see it as salvaging something from something else that was once greater. maybe you will work out better as friends than you would as lovers.

when it comes to emotional baggage, i think that it does take a level of maturity to be able to set aside the feelings that you had for someone and to pursue a friendship with them. you cannot continue to hold on to feelings for the other person and hope to have a friendship with them. it just doesn’t work like that. some people will never be able to put aside their feelings for another. that can’t be helped either.

but it is sad for me to think that just because you’ve dated someone, if things don’t work out, you will automatically outcast them from your life forever. maybe that’s the easier way to handle things. maybe that’s why it happens so much. well, most breakups don’t end amicably anyway. and it’s a lot easier to forget the person than to be friends with them if that friendship will be a reminder of what once was. i guess that’s really the heart of the issue: can you get over the fact that you dated the person and do you have a desire to be friends with them?

there are two people that i can think of who i dated and who i would enjoy having a great friendship with. with the first person, it seems that her situation will never really ever let this happen. there are circumstances beyond my control that just won’t allow us to be friends. it’s a pity, but such is life. with the second person, whenever we do find the time to chat we do enjoy this certain bond of friendship that sets us apart from others. it’s an easygoing banter that we have that i do enjoy. but our communication is far and few between, so our friendship is more like a smattering of correspondences throughout the year.

i guess my point is that i don’t believe that being friends with an ex generally means that you are carrying emotional baggage with you. it’s more a matter of getting over your emotional baggage before you can pursue a friendship with that person. there’s a difference between being friends with an ex because that’s all you can get and being friends with an ex because you want their friendship. if you are being friends with someone hoping for more, then your motives are not pure, and continuing this friendship could go down an ugly path.

in bulk at a local brick and mortar for a reasonable price.

if you know of a place where one can find such joy, please email me.

thanks!

i don’t know how it happened, but i have this huge addiction to trident bubble gum. i just keep popping them in my mouth. sometimes i find myself chewing gum and not knowing how it got there.

but what’s worse was that i was in my car and i was about to leave work when i couldn’t find the pack of gum. panic actually ran through my body as i searched for it.

that is so sad.

gum, anyone?

—–

i woke up early this morning to get into the office only to see that there was a large leak in my office as well as in the hallway. i got some trash cans set under the leaks and called the admin who helped talk to various people to see if they can fix it.

now, just a few feet away from me is the constant dripping of water into the trash can. it’s getting to be a little annoying. i have music on, but the unmistakable sound of the dripping can still be heard. *sigh*

i do like rainy weather, though. i don’t like driving in it, but when you are warm and inside, i do enjoy the rain coming down outside. i don’t know why, but i find it soothing. there was some lightning on my drive to work today. it was close to pitch dark when i left the apartment. traffic wasn’t so bad, but i have to admit that leaving when it was that dark did feel a little weird. at least daylight savings is coming up soon. that ought to make things a little better.

—–

we all have our baggage. in some form or another, we’ve got it. for some, the lack of any relationship experience can be a form of baggage too. relationships aren’t easy things. if they were, everyone would be with someone and no one would break up. the reality of the situation is that many people go through several relationships before finding the one that they settle down with. but the lack of experience can lead to things that you just have never experienced before and you are ill-equipped to handle. like i said, we all have our issues.

but this weekend, i was reminded of my past. you know, some people look at their past relationships and they cringe. others look fondly back and remember the good times. others still live in the past and haven’t moved on.

everybody is going to have a history. you just can’t help it. how you view that history, however, is an altogether different story. yes, i’ve dated some people who i would much rather forget because some of the memories that they’ve left with me have been rather frightening or unpleasant. i don’t really dwell on those memories, but they did help shape the kind of person that i am and the things that i look for in a relationship.

there was a long while when i couldn’t let go of my past. it was a painful time in my life where i couldn’t cope with the break up. too much of my life had been invested in the relationship, it seemed, and too much of myself was with this person. how could i possibly find someone else who i could connect with again at this level? i just didn’t think it was possible. i had felt that i had lost it all and in that i felt that all was lost. i couldn’t imagine that i would be happy again, not the way that i used to be. i couldn’t imagine that things would ever be the same.

and in a way, things have never been the same. they’ve become better. but for a long time i didn’t allow myself the opportunity to find another kind of happiness because i just couldn’t let go. it was a hard and painful process for me, but slowly it happened and i feel thankful for that.

i think that i choose to remember the good times in my relationships and try to downplay the bad times. i think this is how i’m able to be friends with some of my exes. even some that i felt great bitterness towards in the past.

recently, my past came up rather unexpectedly in the form of a phone call. i didn’t even recognize the phone number as i was checking my missed calls. then i checked my voicemail and the undeniably familiar voice was on the other line.

i called her up and we exchanged pleasantries. just called to catch up. haven’t heard from you in a while. that sort of thing. the conversation didn’t last long. in the past, i would have wondered at all of the things that our conversation could have meant. i would have remembered the ease with which we would talk endlessly until our batteries died. but that was then. last night, it was just a phone call. nothing more, nothing less. maybe we’ll talk again soon. maybe we won’t.

it used to be that i used to think that we were the best of friends. even after the breakup, i thought that we had this connection that you couldn’t just take away. i thought that we would be able to talk about anything and everything. but as it turns out, such isn’t the case. things change and so do we all. i guess last night’s conversation was just a reminder of things past. some things are better left that way. it’s just a part of me. i can’t take it away, but i don’t live it as my life, either. it’s just a part of who i am.

i’ve been pretty consistent with the lack of blogging over the weekend. as a result, i’ve got a lot that needs to be recapped. this weekend on a whole was spent with some much needed rest and relaxation. i don’t know what it was about this weekend, but man, i sure did sleep a lot. sunday was supposed to be spent biking, but because of the rain, our biking trip was cancelled.

i went to costco over the weekend and tried very hard not to overindulge in any one thing. it actually wasn’t too bad, i was able to leave costco while spending less than $100. usually, this is something that cannot be done easily.

most of the rest of the weekend was sort of a blur. can’t remember much of the details, but i do recall that it was very relaxing. volleyball on sunday night was the same. the season is a little past half over.

i thought that i had a lot to recap, but i guess i don’t really.

the guy that i was supposed to train had some kind of emergency and won’t be in the office for a few weeks now. so it’s back to the grind for me.

—–

“sometimes, you love so deeply and passionately to the point that there is nothing left in you anymore. it is never that easy. it takes luck and timing and a lot of bruising and scarring, before one truly finds what they are looking for…. if they do.”

the human heart is an amazing evolution. not only does it tirelessly work day in and day out without rest, but it is remarkably resilient when it comes to love.

i do believe that you can love someone so deeply that your love for them becomes all-consuming. i do believe that you can feel so passionately about someone that they mean everything in the world to you and there is nothing that you would not do for them. i do believe that you can give all your heart to another and leave room for nothing else to love. i do believe that this kind of unconditional love exists.

and sometimes, for whatever reason, this person who you love so much, this person who means everything to you is taken away from your life. it is never easy to pick up the pieces and just try to move on. that’s why they call it a broken heart. shattered into a million pieces, i’m sure that it is very easy to believe that you could never love again.

some people drift and wander aimlessly after they’ve had their heart broken. some people can’t seem to find their way back, to trust again because they either cannot accept what has happened to them or they cannoy accept the risks associated with trusting their heart to another.

there is no guarantee that you will ever find that person who you are destined to be with. let’s be realistic now, it’s true. not everybody lives that fairytale love story. it just doesn’t happen like that. thats why they are called fairytales to begin with. we come up with these perfect little stories to tell children to inspire them to greatness. we give them something to reach for. we would never want to jade them into cynicism.

but for those who have had their heart broken, i can only offer you this advice: get over it. i know it might sound a little callous, and i’m sure i can phrase it more nicely, but that’s the gist of it. yeah, your heart was broken. yeah, it sucks. yeah, i know, i’ve been there before. so sure, it’s scary to go out and try and find someone else who you can have that kind of relationship with again. it’s scary to think that you would want to subject yourself to this kind of pain again. it’s scary enough that some people may never want to face it again.

and that’s fine. that’s your prerogative. in everything, there is a certain amount of risk involved. after doing some risk analysis, if you feel that it isn’t worth it, then don’t do it. but i’ve always been a champion of love and i will argue to the grave that love is worth it. i will argue that love is all you need.

i never said it was easy. i never said that if you work hard you will be rewarded. but what i can guarantee you is that if you do not make the effort, then you will never have a chance.

i used white out for the first time in a long, long time today. i forgot how bad it smells. i’ve been using the little strips of paper thing instead of white out, but today we didn’t seem to have any of that so it was time to go back to the liquid paper.

it’s also been a while since i’ve had to write anything down. that was pretty interesting too. and speaking of old school, i also sent a fax today. if i didn’t know any better, it’s like i’m rejecting technology altogether. well…i guess a fax machine is still considered technology…low tech solutions, i guess.

i wasn’t feeling well yesterday, i think that i ate far too much for lunch and it upset my stomach. i decided that the best way to make things better was another low tech solution so i just slept it off.

no volleyball this week, it’s going to be a pretty light week, i think. maybe i should use this time and find something new to do. i was going to bring my camera with me to work, but i left it on the table because i was in a hurry to get to work. oh well.

—–

“Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.”

i was reminded this weekend about this philosophy. i think as more and more time goes by, i realize that there are no guarantees in life.

you can’t just go and lower your expectations to the point where you can’t be disappointed…well, you can, but what kind of life will you be leading then?

you can’t go and hide away pretending that the world is perfect and that there are no problems…well, you can, but what kind of lie will you be living?

you can’t go and complain about how things are and then suddenly expect that everything will work itself out…well, you can, but how realistic do you think it is that your problems will really resolve themselves?

you can’t go and just hope that all of your problems will magically fix themselves.

yet so many times so many of us will do just these things hoping that through denial we will be able to find happiness. it’s odd because it seems that we all have a tremendous capacity for pain and suffering and we often opt to test these limits than to make our lives better for ourselves.

odd that we do this to ourselves, isn’t it?

but we still do. i wonder why. maybe because it’s just easier to suffer than it is to try and make a difference. maybe it’s easier to stay the course than it is to try and make waves to better your life. maybe it’s just safer to do that.

but the thing is, life is not about staying the safe course. love is not about playing things safe. when you do things, you should do things deeply and passionately. you should not half-heartedly love someone. why do you even bother? love is such a magnificent process, it should be lived out fully. there are no guarantees with love, but if you don’t give it your all, i don’t think it’s worth trying out. sure, you may get burned here and there, but i still believe that it is all worth it.

i heard someone say that half of all marriages end in divorce. that does sound a little discouraging, but no one talks about the other half. half of all marriages last with lifetime commitments. half of all marriages are for life, forever. isn’t the pursuit of love worth it?

all you need to do is get it right once.