Remember the first time I told you I love you –
It was raining hard and you never heard –
You sneezed! and I had to say it over
I said I love you I said… you didn’t say a word

i was listening to this song when it reminded me of a time in a relationship when i would profess my love to my significant other and they would just sit there, frozen, as if they had never heard it. i was mortified. did i say too much? did they not feel the same way?

Remember the last time I told you I love you –
It was warm and safe in our perfect world –
You yawned and I had to say it over
I said I love you I said… you didn’t say a word

i remember that i had opened up my heart to another. i had left myself vulnerable and open. i had done all that i could, but was met with nothing. no acknowledgement, no reciprocation…nothing. as if you had never heard. so later, i had to say it over, i said, “I love you” and again it was met with silence.

probably any kind of sign would have been better than none at all. “i don’t feel the same.” or “i’m not sure i’m ready.” or “woah, nelly, you’re moving just a little too fast there, buddy.” something. just so i knew. it is probably one of the worst feelings i’ve been through to expose myself and for it to be ignored.

i think that when you do come to those crossroads, it sort of defines the relationship. it either brings you closer or starts to set you apart. it’s happened to me a couple of times in a couple of different relationships over the years and i have to admit that there’s some amount of anxiety about it. it’s not every day that you profess your love to another, and when you do, it should be a happy, joyous occasion. it shouldn’t be met with a loss of words. it shouldn’t be met with discomfort. if it is, maybe you just aren’t ready as a couple to take that next step, but you should at least acknowledge that you aren’t ready.

—–

it’s been a long week for me. i haven’t been sleeping much and i think the lack of sleep is really beginning to wear on me. i’ve been taking the vitamins that my sister got me for my birthday and i think that the extra boost in vitamins actually helped me recover from a nagging cough that i’ve had forever now.

i’m looking forward to the weekend and relaxing a little. hopefully i’ll be able to chill a bit. tomorrow’s going to be spent hanging out with anita, doing the photo shoot, and then heading out for paul’s (surprise) birthday dinner.

i’ve been calling it a surprise birthday dinner because it’s fun to see the mortified look on people’s faces because they’ve already mentioned something about it to paul. i guess that’s sort of sadistic on my part, but it’s fun nonetheless.

i think that i may end up spending a good part of today taking a break from it all though and just take it easy and rest away.

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i’m not usually into watches, but.

[url=http://www.tagheuer.com/basel2004/monacov4.lbl]oh. my. god.[/url]

while checking my mail, i got a rather unexpected surprise. i got an email from an old friend of mine who i haven’t seen in a long time. it really brightened up my day. so we’re going to meet up sometime this weekend and catch up. it also sounds like i’ve got another model lined up so it’s going to be a bit of a busy weekend.

i’m volunteering on sunday for the [url=http://www.nikkeimatsuri.org/]nikkei matsuri[/url] in japantown in san jose on sunday. i’ll be working the JACL booth making strawberry shortcakes. how strawberry shortcakes promotes japanese culture, i’m not sure, but i’m there to represent, yo. errr, uh, yeah, something like that.

it’s interesting because i joined JACL/Next Generation because of the volleyball league. it’ll be interesting to see if there will be a bunch of japanese people at the festival or not. one would assume that that would be the case, but it’s so rare that i get to see many japanese people at all. we’ll see. i’ll be sure to bring my camera with me and take some shots of the festival. it should be fun. i have to find a hat, though. hmmm, i wonder if i can find one. that may be a bit of a challenge. anyway, i’ll be at the JACL booth from 1:30-3:00pm if any of you want to help support the japanese, yo. japantown, san jose, sunday, may 2. be there or be square.

[url=http://www.track15.com]dardy[/url] was talking about the different types of cheating. it is pretty obvious that you are cheating if you are physically kissing or sleeping with someone else. but he wonders if there is such a thing as emotional cheating.

i think that there is. emotional cheating is every bit as bad as physically cheating on someone else. but what constitutes emotional cheating? lusting after someone else? i don’t think that lusting after someone else (from afar) can be considered cheating. now lusting after someone else in front of your significant other is just stupid and will probably be the cause of a fight, but to privately covet another from afar? i don’t really think that’s emotionally cheating.

maybe it’s just guys. but just because a guy admires another woman from afar doesn’t mean that he loves his significant other any less. he just has an appreciation for beauty. but if you start to act on that, that is when i think you start to edge closer to the line of emotionally cheating.

i think that emotional cheating is where you share intimate parts of your life with one person, but not your significant other…unless of course that little intimiate part of your life is about your significant other, but hey, we all need someone to talk to. but yeah, if you start to do things with someone else, but refuse to do it with your significant other, that could be indicative of something.

the last two weeks were off weeks for me for volleyball. now that i’m only playing one night a week, i feel that i really need to play a lot better to maximize my playing time. yesterday was a good night. i finally remembered how to play again. i hate it when i forget. =P

but we went 4-0 yesterday, which was a nice, welcome change. it was good to get my hitting back. it was like a lost puppy. slowly, but surely it had found its way back home.

—–

over the weekend, [url=http://www.bastalaranza.com]geoff[/url] and i were waxing philosophy about photography. it sort of reminded me of what it was about photography that i loved.

i would say that most people are pretty casual when they take pictures. these photographs are generally taken so that they can capture a moment. some people are very specialized in the kind of photography that they do. some focus on landscapes, while others do portraits. i’ve always sort of fell somewhere in the middle. i enjoy landscapes, but i also enjoy photographying people. animate, inanimate objects, abstract, whatever, i’ve probably tried it all.

though capturing the moment is part of my goal, i think that what i strive for when i take photos is to show someone something that they haven’t seen…or to show them something they’ve seen a million times, just not quite the same way i do.

there is a school of photography that is all about the commercial image. the one that is tried and true, and people universally seem to enjoy. i like that look, but i cannot say that that is what i strive for. i’ve shot with more traditional photographers and they know exactly how to shoot something. it’s the shot that has the highest commercial value. it’s a very mainstream perspective and it works quite well.

but that just isn’t me. i think one of the things i enjoy most about photography is that i can share with someone else how i see the world. a lot of the images that i take are about how i interact with the environment that i’m in. so when it comes to photographing people, i feel that i really get a lot more out of it if i get to know the model a little bit.

it’s sort of like capturing how i see them. like i’ve said before, i’ve worked with models who are bold and some that are shy. each shoot varies, the poses aren’t the same because the people aren’t the same. it’s just a matter of me trying to figure out how best to portray them. so far i think that i’ve been reasonably successful, though my friend also told me once, “if you start with a beautiful model, your pictures can’t go too wrong.”

—–

i am in such a foul mood right now. i don’t even know why i am in such a bad mood. it sort of concerns me because i think that i’m beginning to snap at people. that can’t be good.

snappish!

i’m not sure why it was so hard for me to get out of bed today. i didn’t stay up too late. i didn’t forget to set my alarm. i didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, but today i was contemplating sleeping in and getting into work 3 hours later than i usually do.

“it’d be ok,” i thought to myself as i snuggled under the warmth of my blanket.

but then it guilt finally struck and i started to get up and get ready for the day. now, several hours later, i’ve gotten a fair bit of work done and i’m pretty happy with the results, so i guess it all works out for the best. i’m going to costco today to get some food for a bbq tomorrow and i think that i may consider making pot roast tonight. mmmmm. pot roast.

but definitely some kind of meat. mmmmm. meat.

—–

this last weekend was a bit of a liberation for me. i think that i’ve been feeling down the past few weeks, but i’m starting to notice something that’s turning things around. i think part of it had to do with dealing with some of the troubles that i’ve been avoiding for all this time. and in avoiding those issues, i started to create new ones. i started to feel burdened with all of the weight of the previous problems piling on top of me.

but this last weekend lifted those things from my shoulders. it was a little unpleasant at first and difficult to do, but i’m feeling much better these days. now, if only i wasn’t so busy at work, i might be able to take advantage of this and go do something fun.

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With or Without You

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live with or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied – my body bruised
She’s got me with nothing to win
And nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live with or without you

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