dear friend,

sometimes i wonder if you realize the lengths that i go to, to be your friend. sometimes i wonder if you appreciate how much i tolerate and sacrifice so that you will be happy. more recently i wondered whether or not this was really worth it for me. i wondered if i was really a friend of convenience to you and we would only be friends when it was good for you. i wondered if our friendship was predicated on the fact that we’ve been friends for so long that we no longer had to really be friendly anymore. i wondered if i was just being used.

it is true that we have been friends for a long time and it is true that we had been very good friends at one time. but i did begin to wonder if the measure of one’s friendship is based off of how long we had been friends and i started to think that that was not the case.

it was hard for me to understand why it was that we cannot be better friends. at first i was quite upset and angered by the fact that our friendship operated under the condition that we could only be friends when it was good for you. at first i was outraged to hear that our friendship could only be held either in secret or at an arm’s length at times because it made things easier for you. it was hard for me to realize that there was something external to our friendship that was controlling the nature of our friendship and that there was no desire to fight the external forces.

indeed, these were all hard things for me to understand. you see, i thought that friendship was a simple thing. if we both were good friends then we would just act as friends do. we would not worry what other people would think because it is not relevant and that we were just good friends. if i had a friend near and dear to me, i would fight for them. i guess i just realized that i am no such friend to you. i am not angry to realize this, instead i am plainly disappointed.

and it took me a long time to accept that we really ought not to be the best of friends. it is not so much that we cannot be the best of friends, for i’m sure that if we were to try we could be just that. but it is for reasons out of my control and out of your compulsion that we should just remain friends of the passing sort. perhaps this is for the best, it is the easier path.

i do care about you, perhaps more than i should, and i do wish for you the kind of happiness that i believe you deserve. and if that means that i have to forsake the friendship that i thought we had and trade it with that of a friend in passing, it is with a heavy heart that i distance myself from you into the shadows of acquaintences. we both deserve to be happy and i need to stop being disappointed in my expectations for a friendship that cannot be.

this is not a challenge that i issue to you to correct things. this is not a rant directed to you about an injustice that has taken place. i do understand your plight and i understand your decisions. this exercise has given me clarity about the nature of our friendship and i’ve come to realize that it is for the greater good that we remain simply casual friends.

with great thought,
mike.

played a lot of volleyball yesterday. first went to serra park to play and then went over to jacl night to play some more. it was good fun. i wasn’t planning on playing volleyball in the park but greg called me up to ask me if i was going to go and finally decided to go and play. i was talking to some people at jacl last night and i may have convinced them to go next week so that should be cool.

as i was talking to greg yesterday, he was explaining to me the finer points of adding top spin to your serves. i had a lot of trouble trying to understand the concept, but i think that i’m slowly getting it. i’ll have to start practicing. it did make me realize something though that i do miss.

when i first started playing volleyball i was definitely one of the weaker, if not weakest, players on the team. as a result, i always had something to shoot for. i always had role models to look up to and get advice and tips from because they were much more veteran players. the two nights of volleyball i play on now are pretty fun, but the one thing i really miss is having someone on the team who is just significantly better than me so that i can learn from them. still…it is all good fun.

—–

i think that i’m now regretting the 7 scoop ice cream root beer float. that’s a lot of ice cream…and a lot of root beer. oh man, i think i need to lie down.

—–

there is approximately 4 gallons of ice cream in the freezer at work leftover from yesterday’s celebration. let us first all pause while we full appreciate the joy with which i am engaged in as i chronicle this fact.

4 gallons of ice cream.

we have root beer in the building.

yes, folks…root beer.

i’m currently sitting next to a 7 scoop root beer float and let me just say that this kind of decadence should be treasured by anyone who has the luxury of indulging in such gluttony.

now, go ahead, carry on with what you were doing before.

—–

i got two phone calls yesterday that meant a great deal to me. the first was from a friend whose voice i have not heard in a while. it was great to be able to chat with them again. it wasn’t so much that we talked about things of earth-shattering importance, but just the witty banter that we had was rather pleasant. i missed talking to them.

i miss good banter. i remember when i would liken the conversations that i had with certain people to that of the conversations that dawson and joey would have. they have such an engaging, quirky dynamic that it was always entertaining to listen to them talk. and i got some of that yesterday. it was nice.

the second call i got was from a concerned friend who wanted to make sure that i was ok. i’m not sure what spurred the check in call, but it was very sweet of her to call and check in. sometimes the warm fuzzies can come from such a small gesture, but it can move mountains.

they were good calls and i’m thankful for having such good friends.

—–

last night as i was sitting on my bed, leg propped up and for the first time in a long while i felt incredibly alone. i think that when i hurt my knee it reminded me of the time when i had sprained my ankle.

i’m a pretty fiercely independent person, so it’s hard for me to rely on other people. maybe it’s all of the years of my parents teaching me to be self-sufficient and that if you aren’t it’s a sign of weakness. maybe it’s because they’ve ingrained in me the sorts of ideas of what a man should be…the silent warrior type. i don’t know, maybe my parents wanted me to be a samurai.

whatever the case may be, last night, i was sitting on my bed in the dark feeling rather lonely. no one was there to kiss my boo boo and make it better. no one was there to ask me if i was okay. no one was there to cuddle up next to and fall asleep, forgetting the pain that throbbed tirelessly in my knee. nope. and it made me sad because all this time i think that i felt that i was pretty happy and doing just fine until the moment that i actually needed someone.

the moment came and went and i’m fine now…but there was a pang of loneliness and a reminder of how wonderful love can be and how much i miss it when it’s gone.

it sort of made me think if there was anyone out there that i would pursue a relationship with. i haven’t really thought too actively about it until very recently and i think that i came up with there not really being an opportunity available. gone are the days that i’d be longing a relationship so much that i may end up dating someone who i wouldn’t under other circumstances. gone are the days where i feel incomplete because i don’t have a significant other. i don’t need to be in a relationship, i just like being in them with the right person.

and that’s what it boils down to: trying to find the right person. i think that i’m finally in a phase in my life where i’m able to start looking again.

so don’t be shy, love, come to my door and find me. i’m looking for ya too!

—–

me: i think i hurt my knee.
friend: how’d you do that?
me: i was trying to avoid landing on this girl who dove in front of me
me: and landed funny on my knee
friend: was she cute?
me: not horribly.
friend: oh…then just land on her!

heh.

—–

after the big volleyball fiasco of monday night, i decided to sub for a team that needed another player tonight. at least i get to play a little this week. but my back has been killing me. killing me. not sure at all what’s going on here, but man, it hurts.

i’m not so sure what this team’ll be like. i’m hoping that they’ll be cool.

we’ll see.

—–

after finding out on monday that i was disqualified i was pretty bummed out that i couldn’t play and i was hanging out on the sidelines. my friend was talking to her teammate.

teammate: how come your friend isn’t playing?
friend: oh, his name wasn’t on the roster, so he got disqualified.
teammate: oh, that sucks.
friend: yeah, he’s pretty bummed out about it.
teammate: well if it makes him feel any better, you can tell him that i think he’s cute.
friend: oh yeah? he told me at the beginning of the season that he thought you were cute too.
teammate: oh…i’m taken.
friend: oh.

does it really make one feel better that they are told that they are cute if the person who is telling you this has no intention of dating you? that’s not much consolation for me. sure, that’s like saying to a starving man, oh, there’s a lot of food right over there in the next room, but you can’t have any…but the food is really good.

what i really need are hot, single women to tell me i’m cute who are looking to date me.

yeah. that would be fun.

—–

i have a friend who i think it pretty cool and hanging out with them is always an enjoyable experience. we quickly became friends and we get along great. some people get the wrong idea that something may be up between us, but this is probably the farthest from the truth. we’re just friends. she is just a friend.

i have another friend who i thought we were closer. we have gone through a lot together and our friendship over the years have grown to what i thought was a very strong bond. she understands me, even the most subtle of behaviors she can pick up on and understand my mood. she’ll know when something is bothering me when no one else will. she’ll know when i’m really happy and when i’m really sad and she’ll know how to make me feel better about it when i am down.

what i’m starting to realize though is that just because someone understands you through and through, it does not mean that you are very close friends. when asked in high school what i was looking for in a relationship, i used to say i want to meet someone who understands me better than i understand myself. i used to think that that was the fundamental quality that separated friends from girlfriends.

but i’m beginning to see that just because someone understands you at that level isn’t a reflection of the nature of your friendship. maybe i’m just very easy to read. i think that i did confuse that kind of understanding with some kind of deeper bond. i think that it is the case that a strong friendship would have this level of understanding, but it isn’t true that just because you have that level of understanding that you have a strong friendship.

but she and i…well, she’s just a friend. not a best friend, just one that seems to understand me.

it’s something that i’m trying to understand and accept. it’s just weird. i’ve never had that kind of a friendship before.