ten years ago: i had just started college. it was hard waking up for my morning classes and i met my current roommate for the very first time. she thought i was weird.

five years ago: i broke up with the girl that i had dated for 6 years. everything was changing, i was changing. i was looking for new meaning, new purpose, a new life.

one year ago: i have been playing volleyball for a while, working at my job for a while, and things seemed to be pretty stable and secure.

one day ago: i had played one of the better games of volleyball that i’ve played in a while, but was one of the most stressful days i’ve had in a long time. i usually don’t feel stress, so to be stressed was a little unnerving.

one hour ago: i went to starbucks to get some coffee and went across the street to get a blueberry bagel.

ah, life is good.

i just found out that a dear friend of mine has decided to uproot herself and move to boston. she didn’t really have any plans to do so until last saturday. saturday! she just decided she’s going to up and move clear across to the other side of the country. i can’t even imagine what that is going to be like.

i admire her, though. she is chasing after her dreams. she’s always been able to go into the unknown and face it with a great sense of courage. it makes me wonder if i can uproot myself like that and blindly follow my heart.

i’m going to be sad when she leaves, i was just getting used to having her around and we didn’t hang out nearly as much as we should have.

one of the reasons why i loved pet shop boys so much back in my high school/college days is because i suffered through so much angst and i felt like a chord was struck with me in so many of their songs.

At dead of night, when strangers roam
The streets in search of anyone who’ll take them home
I lie alone, the clock strikes three
And anyone who wanted to could contact me
At dead of night, ’till break of day
Endless thoughts and questions keep me awake
It’s much too late

when i was younger, i suffered a lot of jealousy and insecurity in my relationships because i was afraid that i would lose them. i guess the general insecurity i felt in these relationships can be attributed to many factors. maybe i felt like the other person was too friendly with other guys and i didn’t feel any more special than these other guys, maybe i felt like they would leave me because i didn’t have the same things to offer and maybe they would be happier elsewhere, or maybe i was just too depressed about other aspects of my life and i was afraid that things wouldn’t work out in my relationship, either.

whatever the case was, whenever i heard certain PSB songs, i always felt like i wasn’t alone and someone else was going through the same things that i was. it gave me a little comfort.

Where’ve you been?
Who’ve you seen?
You didn’t phone when you said you would!
Do you lie?
Do you try
To keep in touch? you know you could
I’ve tried to see your point of view
But could not hear or see
For jealousy

I never knew time passed so slow
I wish I’d never met you, or that I could bear to let you go
At dead of night, ’till break of day
Endless thoughts and questions keep me awake
It’s much too late

that’s the funny thing about love and matters of the heart is that you can be so uplifted from the tiniest things, but your mood can just as easily come crashing down around you. it’s the awful power that love has for those who are ruled by their heart.

over the years i think that i’ve changed a lot and the way i feel about relationships has also changed a lot. maybe i’ve matured over the years, maybe i’m more self-confident, or maybe i’ve just grown hard, i don’t know, but i’m not that kind of crazy insecure that i used to be.

i think that some of the songs that PSB sings have so much heartache and pain in them that i identified with them and it helped me deal with some of the things going around me.

I don’t know what you want
but I can’t give it any more
I don’t know what you want
but I can’t give it any more
You’re breaking my heart

i was talking to my brother last night and there’s so much stuff going on right now. it made me think back to when i much a much sadder person and some of the things that i did to deal with the problems i had.

i’ve realized, though, that i have a great capacity for heartache. i’ve had my heart broken many times before and i just don’t like it when i feel my heart breaking. people shouldn’t have to go through that kind of pain.

i’m currently connected to the internet via the free wireless connection afforded by jetblue at JFK. it’s pretty neat. my flight’s just about to board so i guess i should pack up and get ready soon.

my trip to NYC is just about over and as short as it was, it was a lot of fun. i hope that i’ll come back some day to visit all of the things that i missed the first time around.

i’m in new york. this will be my second and last night here. i’m not quite ready to recap all that i’ve done so far, but it has been a full, fun, and fabulous trip so far. it’s about 4AM here and i’ve come back from a night of drunken fun. it seems to be the norm here.

i’m kind of bummed out that i haven’t been able to get ahold of one of my friends here, but time really is running short and i think that i want to take things pretty easy tomorrow.

the one thing i will say about new york is that it is much cleaner and nicer than i expected. i’m not sure if i thought it would be so dirty because of movies that i’ve seen or what, but it has been pretty pleasant for the most part.

i haven’t gotten lost on the subway, yet. i’m hoping that i don’t, and though the subway maps can be a little hard to decipher at time, it really isn’t so bad.

alright, it’s pretty late here, i should probably hit the sack.

i cannot believe that it has been over three years since i’ve seen jenny. all these years and we’ve still been able to keep in touch. i wonder how she has changed since she’s made the big move over to NYC.

i’ll be on my flight in less than 6 hours. the flight is going to be intolerably long, but this will also be my first trip to new york. i am really concerned about whether or not i am going too light with camera gear, but i just can’t bring everything with me. i’ve decided to try and go light, but i broke down and am packing two lenses with me.

i guess that’s not so light.

i walked into jamba juice yesterday and ordered a drink. when the cashier asked for my name, i told him, “josiah.”

he goes, “oh, cool! we were going to name my nephew josia.”

a little surprised, i said, “oh really?”

“yeah, josia is the black man’s joseph, you know?”

i thought that was hilarious!

i’m going on a mini-vacation to NYC. i’m flying out tonight, actually. this on the heels of the news story about the jetblue flight that took off in LA, circled around and performed an emergency landing because the landing gear got stuck sideway shortly after they took off. the plane was headed out to NYC, and jetblue is the airline i’m flying. =P

i don’t think it has really set in yet that i’m going to be flying out to NYC. as such, i haven’t really gotten as excited as i think i would be.

many years back i went to visit portland and one of the main reasons i went there was to check out cameraworld. while in new york, i think i am going to go visit b&h camera. =P

i know, i know. camera stores are not attractions. for most people, anyway, but i can’t help it. i’ve got some time to spare and i think that it would be fun to check out. it’s too bad that there’s nothing that i really want right now, but i’m sure i can find something if i try REALLY hard.

i was at the mall late last night and i was walking past the mrs. fields store. the worker there was calling out their last hour sale. buy 4 cookies, get 4 free.

i wasn’t planning on buying any cookies. really, i wasn’t.

but i ended up with 8 cookies when i left the mall.

i am so weak.

dardy, mia, leeya and i went to the spice islands in mountain view off hope and castro last night.

when i asked dardy if he had ever been there before, he said that he did and it sucked! i as a little concerned, but i have eaten there once before a long, long time ago and didn’t recall it sucking.

we ordered a bunch of dishes and the food was pretty good. i don’t know how the restaurant survives because it doesn’t look like anyone dines in there, but the food was pretty good and i will be back there again. dardy had even said that he has changed his mind about the place and that he’d go again.

he did, however, refuse to order anything for fear of ordering something bad again. =P

i went to tea era after dinner to discover that they were CLOSED! it’s a good thing that i had already had pearl tea earlier in the day. but still, i was really looking forward to having some of that barley milk tea.