it used to be that you and me…we were so alike. we liked the same things, we thought the same way, we saw the same things in life as important. how is it that we’ve changed so much?

a long time ago you and i shared the same ideas about life, love, and everything. we had the same outlook on life, the kind of cheery optimism that perhaps only youth could provide. we had the same ideals about love, what love means, what we want from love, and what love is all about. and when it came to everything else, it seemed that we were step for step in line.

but now…

now we have grown so far apart, it amazes me that we once were so similar. have i just not grown up? is it that i’m still living in this kind of naivete and it is ignornance that is keeping up this facade?

i look at you, the things you do, the things that are important to you, and i see that we are just so different now. so very different…

i refuse to give up on my ideals. i refuse to believe that what i’ve wanted all my life are now things that i need to give up on and make compromises. i refuse to believe that everything that i’ve believed in, everything that i’ve hoped for, everything that i’ve dreamed for is unobtainable. i refuse to give up.

and that’s what i think you’ve done. the sadness that sweeps over me when i think about how much you’ve changed, how much you’ve given up, and how much we’re different hit me hard today. i’m sad because i had hoped for so much more for you. i’m sad because it makes me wonder if you had given up on all of these things, if you of all people, who once i thought was so much like me, then i wonder if maybe these dreams i have are really just pipe dreams.

i refuse to believe that. you are the one that changed. you are the one that gave up. sometimes i feel like i’m just holding out, waiting for the impossible to happen. sometimes i feel like i’m alone, searching for what i’ve always wanted, but never really able to get it. sometimes i feel just a little defeated. today, i saw what happens when you give up. i’m just not ready to give up.

after reading the x-gf’s latest entry about a memory long past, it made me recall something from my past.

i was at the bart station, ready to drop off my girlfriend. she was not prepared to leave the car and did not want me to go. i had made plans weeks in advance that evening to go watch a depeche mode concert with some friends. she was not interested in going.

she was insistent that we spend more time together, to talk some things through. the tickets that i had for the concert were back at home, i had to go home first, pick them up, and give them to my friends who were going with me.

she made an ultimatum: stay with her or go to the concert and leave her forever. there were many times in that relationship where she made me choose her or my friends.

it was the last depeche mode concert ever worth going to.

but i had decided to stay with her.

i called my friends and told them where the tickets were, to pick them up, and i would try to meet them later if i could.

i never did.

hindsight always gives you such a wonderful perspective. i learned a lesson from that day. ultimatums are just not good and if i ever get into a situation where someone has to lay down that kind of an ultimatum, it makes you really think about what led you down to that path.

is it enough if someone feels bad for something that they’ve done wrong to not explicitly tell them that they exercised poor judgement and that you are disappointed or upset at them? i was thinking about that the other day when i was reading diana’s entry about her little mistake at work and how she was reprimanded. it was clear that the mistake was made and the person who made the mistake was obviously upset and sorry for making the mistake, yet they were still reprimanded. i suppose that it is part of the process to make it formally known that what was done was a mistake so that it would not be duplicated in the future.

at what point do we spare someone else’s feelings and just let things go by the wayside? is it a disservice to do so because then they will not learn a valuable lesson? hmmmm, things to ponder.

it makes me sad to hear that she is smoking again.

someone said something to me yesterday that made me sad. it sounded like an offhand comment that was pretty matter of fact, but now that i think about it, i wonder if there was maybe more to it than that. i wonder if people say certain things to illicit a reaction from others. i wonder if people say certain things to gauge what other people are thinking.

it makes my head hurt a little bit to think in these ways because it is so much easier if people just say what they mean. sometimes i think that i’m in a position where i need to act if i want things to work out the way that i want to, and by inaction, the opportunity will pass me by. so many missed opportunities have gone by the in past it makes me wonder if i need to be bold now.

be bold, mike. that’s what i tell myself. stop being so scared. stop letting life pass you by. stop playing it so safe. stop worrying so much. maybe one grand gesture is all that you need and after that everything will just work itself out.

or is it that life is just supposed to work out magically whether you actively try or not?

i’m thinking nowadays that it’s time to be bold. act. pee into the wind.

is it weird that i am squabbling over paying $3 for a whistle but i will not hesitate to spend hundreds of dollars for photography equipment?

i remember talking to a friend of mine a while ago about people that we know in life. there’s a certain type of person that we know that we describe as those who choose the path of least resistance. they usually just go with the flow or wait for things to work out for them. they aren’t particularly aggressive about the things that they want and sometimes they end up doing things that they don’t really want for themselves, but they end up doing it because to have to do things that they want for themselves just causes too much work or trouble and they’d rather not deal with it.

for those people who live this kind of lifestyle, i guess it must be a pretty nice life because you don’t really have to confront issues that bother you and if you are content with getting what’s thrown at you then i think that you can end up being pretty happy.

but what kind of perception does that give of you to others, then? nothing worthwhile in life comes easily, you have to work at it. i firmly believe this. and so i think that if you always choose the path of least resistance, you end up limiting yourself and the potential futures that could have been yours.

some lament over the fact that they don’t get the same opportunity as others. some do something about it, some are content to just lament about it. for those who are happy to be content, i’m happy for you because you will always be happy with what you’ve got.

i’m the total opposite, though. if there’s something that i want, i will strive to get it. i’ll do what i can to get what i want. i can’t just sit idly by waiting, hoping that it’ll come to me. i just can’t be that passive. i would regret it if i didn’t try something because i would feel like i could have done something else, but didn’t. the worst feeling for me is the feeling of lost opportunity.

sometimes i wish i could be like those other people, who can just sit there and things would just come to them. sometimes i wish i could just choose the path of least resistance, even if it was contrary to what i really wanted and just be ok with it. life sure would be a lot easier that way.

it is weird that i don’t want to be alone tonight, but i don’t want to go out to see anyone, either?

man…what am i going to do with myself?

diana convinced me to go out bar hopping with some of the vball crew. i was pretty reluctant because it’s thursday and i just am not in the mood. but we went bar hopping throughout san jose’s bars…who knew that there was such an active nightlife here in san jose?

we went to club deep, blue monkey, and the vault. i had all my drinks at deep, and tonight was probably more than i usually drink. am i drinking my sorrows away? i don’t know.

a part of me felt good about getting out instead of sulking at home, but while i was out and about, my thoughts drifted and there were pangs of sadness felt throughout the night. maybe it’s too soon for me to be going out. i did have a few laughs and the company was great, but there was still a part of me that just didn’t feel right. i guess i had to find out if this was the time for me or not.

i think that i’ll probably spend a few more quiet nights by myself though. there’s still some stuff that i just need to sort out before i think i can really let myself go.