dating an ex

i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we had gotten to the topic of dating an ex. for me, i don’t think that i would really entertain the idea of dating an ex. generally speaking i think that’s a bad idea because there was a reason why we broke up. in fact, i think that getting back together with someone you broke up with is a recipe for disaster because it’s already been proven that things couldn’t work out.


what if so much time has passed that the two of you are two different people? does that change things? it made me wonder. i do believe that i am a very different person than i was 10 years ago. would i be interested in the same kind of person that i was interested in all those years ago?

one of the first girlfriends i dated had a very strong spirit…to say the least. she was very demanding, controlling, and overbearing, but back then i think i liked all of those things. i think that i was a lot less sure of myself and i sought to find the direction i needed in pretty much everything from that girlfriend.

nowadays i know for sure that i could never date someone like that. we would butt heads way too often and way too hard. this, generally, is a good thing, i think. i do enjoy being in a more balanced relationship where each person has a more equal footing in the relationship.

but what of other exes? what were the things that made us part ways? do those things still exist? have we changed so much that maybe things could work out?

it’s a dangerous and tricky situation to be in and i think that when one breaks up with someone else, it’s probably best not to try and open that door again. it’s a door that should be closed and sealed. too many potential problems can come up and there’s still that history that you had…some of that may just never go away.

time does have a nice way of coloring the past though. sometimes it gives you perspective, sometimes it gives you rose-colored glasses from which to look upon an ugly situation and have it look less ugly.

another friend of mine asked me if i would ever consider dating a certain ex of mine again if the opportunity came up. i told them that i don’t see it happening because even though a lot of the problems we had probably don’t exist now because i’m a different person, i still don’t think it could work out because of the history that we’ve had. it just gets too messy.

9 thoughts on “dating an ex”

  1. reconciliation? it had sounded more like you wanted to get back together with your ex. and you’re hoping that after some time of separation that they’ll suddenly develop an epiphany that you’re the right one for them, because you and/or they have changed and that you have “found” each other.

    I’m not trying to dictate how you or anyone should handle this situation…I’m just simply pointing out the obstacles. what I see happened with my friend is but one example. because instead of salvaging whatever friendship they had left, they managed to diminish it. until this day, they seem like bitter foes rather than friends.

    you sound just as much a romantic as wilco. but according to his blog, he seems to understand that the possibility of getting back with the ex–regardless of what changes, can be pretty messy. but if you think it’s possible, and you truly believe that you and your ex (assuming that you have one) were made for each other, why are you trying to debate it now. it seems like you’ve waited long enough and you’re ready to make that plunge. what is stopping you? you will follow your heart and will disregard what others may say to try to shield you from more pain.

    but like everyone say, life is about taking risks. take it if you choose…but remember to expect the worst and hope for the best.

  2. I think a point is being missed. You’re a glutton, when you break up one week and get back together the next and break up again a month later. How have things changed in that amount of time?
    One assumes that people never change, but this is not always the case. People can change so much that they become unrecognizable. They may also stay the same. It’s hard to tell, because you can’t predict what exactly has or hasn’t happened since you’ve parted ways, like truly parted ways. That’s why it’s a risk.

    Reconciling with your ex in no way implies that one hasn’t moved on. Quite the contrary, sometimes you do move on only to realize where home is and end up where you never imagined you’d be.

    An ex doesn’t have to be an enemy. If they screwed you over and cheated on you, then they deserve to be hung. But sometimes, relationships just don’t work out but the bond that you share is significant enough that it shouldn’t be thrown away.

  3. yes, it is a risk. but why would you take the plunge and chance the possibilty of being hurt again by the same person? especially knowing what you already about them. wouldn’t that make you a glutton for punishment?

    it’s purely up to the individual because it seems as though by wanting to get back with the ex implies that they haven’t really moved on. regardless of what the mind say, the person will follow their heart. so why not take it through the gauntlet again.

  4. How can you be sure things wont turn out?? Love is a feeling…….surely one should let his heart decide…… risk being hurt and you feel vulnerable…especially with an Ex…….but isnt life all about taking risks..??

  5. hmm…I don’t know about that. one of my friends who met her first serious bf during senior year high school…dated him for 5 years, they broke up, then 5 years later they met again. she noticed that he has made some dramatic change for the better and because of that familiar loving feeling, she decided to give it another try. it didn’t take her more than a couple of months to realize that the things about him that annoyed her the most were still there…and ultimately, they broke up. there’s only so much a person can change about themselves. you can either accept them for the way they are…or move on.

    also, I believe that once that strong sacred bond has been broken, it’s hard to patch back up. after that first major breakup, what is there to stop the second one from happening? because by then, they have already learned how to live without each other.

  6. What happens if two people have changed so much that as a result, the problems that were problems are no longer problems? Maybe they were too young? Maybe they needed to explore more and learn more about themselves?Maybe they were suffering from some kind of chemical imbalance? Who knows! I agree that opening doors to the past may not be the wisest decision, but one can never really know. It may be a good thing. What happens if two people needed to part ways in order to find each other again? Who knows! In matters of the heart, there are no set rules. Each person needs to look at the other person and decide if they want to be together or not.

    With some couples, somehow… no matter how far they’ve gone, there is always something that brings them back together. You can never know.

  7. I’m in this situation right now. My ex cheated on me 5 months ago. After trying everything, I finally called it quits, moved out, got my own place, started dating, and started a new life. Then, BAM, she calls. She tells me she wants to try again but isn’t sure how. I realize I still have feelings for her and miss our time together. On the other hand, I’m still uncertain she will change. Cheaters are cheaters for a reason and those reasons are usually something only a professional can help them with. It’s a tough choice. Personally, I’m giving it one more go. I know I’ll probably have my heart broken again, but it’s my choice and I’ll live with it. Besides, life sucks right about now anyway. So what if it gets worse? I’d rather take another chance than just sit around hoping another love will pop-up.

  8. I broke up with my ex of 4 years, 3 months ago. We split because he had doubts about our future and in any case we had a funky start to our relationship – met in the UK and he left after 6 weeks to start uni in OZ (where he’s from). I was bored with my life in the UK so I ended up eventually following him to the other side of the world for the relationship (call it a gut feeling that he was the one!). Puts a lot of pressure on things, but we got on really well, lived together after a couple of years and after 4 yrs he nearly proposed but backed out as he just wasn’t 100% sure. We break up, I move out, move on and gain my own life in this foreign country without him. Cut off all contact and he suddenly realises he’s about to lose me forever and says that he really does want to be with me, marriage kids and everything. Gave him a good grilling as words are cheap and i need security and stability – not going through this again!

    So now I’m prepared to take it slowly and see where it goes but he’s changed and I’ve changed heaps just in 3 months so i know now that i’ll be fine without him whatever happens (I was never sure before, as he’d always been my rock since I moved to OZ). Just means we’re on a much more equal footing and I’ve been very clear about what I’ll accept and what i won’t and that I’m out of there if there’s no committment from him.

    So I agree with some previous comments that just occasionallly there are grounds for giving it one more shot (just one, mind!). If either of us had cheated, no way in hell. But working out what you really want after an abnormal start to things, and working out that you want your ex after all…well, I can go with that.

    Good luck to anyone else in this position – it ain’t always easy, that’s for sure! 🙂

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