self censorship

you know, part of having an online presence is that anyone at any time has access to your life. you are putting yourself out there and it’s really your own fault for putting whatever you do online for the world to see.

what i write about, what people see is only a small fraction of what is really going on. as bloggers, we draw our own lines as to what we feel comfortable sharing with the world and what things we keep private. when it comes to certain things, i find that i generally am more private than others, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

but i’m going to deviate a little tonight because i need to vent. i’ve been bottling up everything that i’ve been feeling hoping that it can be masked or put away, but instead it’s like a dam under pressure, waiting to burst. so tonight i write without filters, dropping my guard, and just letting it all go.

i miss her. ever since we broke up, i’ve missed everything about her. the way that her eyes light up at the mention of fried foods, one tree hill, or just seeing each other.

i miss hearing about her day and all the germs that the kids cough up on her. i miss hearing about how her students did this or did that, or any of the mundane details of her day, because to me, they are far from mundane. it is those details that i craved to hear each and every day.

i miss being able to sleep. i miss the gentle breathing i heard beside me when she was asleep. i miss how happy i was to just be there, even if the bed was lumpy, there was no place i would have rather have been.

i miss her freckles. even though she may not like them herself, i miss looking at them and thinking about how cute they are.

i miss her methodology in things. the way in which things have to be just so because it just wouldn’t make sense otherwise. nothing makes sense anymore. these days, i’m lucky if i can get by and fake a normal life that appears fulfilled. it feels like i’m trying to cram my days full of events so that i don’t have time to realize how empty it really has gotten.

i miss the simple things. holding her…kissing her…just being with her. no matter what i try to do, nothing can replace that, and try as i may to not think about her, she still consumes me.

what is life like now that she has been plucked out of my life? less than empty…more than lost. day to day, life is just peppered with moments of happiness, moments of times when i actually forget how truly miserable i am, but the inevitable happens. i’m sad.

i’m sad that things could not work out. i’m sad that i learned something about myself that just made for an impossible situation. but being sad doesn’t help things. being sad isn’t productive…but i can’t help it. despite the best advice anyone can give me, i just can’t follow through. right now, i just don’t see the point.

i tell myself that i need to move on. i can’t dwell on the pain or the past. i can’t keep thinking about the what ifs or the if onlys. i can’t change things, yet i can’t accept what has happened.

and then my mind wanders.

it wanders to the last weekend we spent together. they are my last memories with her, etched in my brain like a branding iron to a cattle, sear with pain because it is a reminder of all the good things that we had, but will never have again. sometimes as much as i try not to think about anything else, all i can think about is how cruel it is to have to see all those events played out again knowing that it will be snatched away from you.

and it hurts. it hurts because i don’t want to accept the fact that someone who is so seemingly perfect can also not be the one for you. it hurts because intellectually i know what has to be, but my heart yearns for her.

i still love her. i can’t help myself. i’ve tried to turn cold my heart, but whenever i think of her, it melts and i’m reminded only of what cannot be.

and as much as i try to shut her out so that, maybe, just maybe i can mend my heart and move on, there is always something there to remind me of what i am missing. maybe it’s a tv show we used to watch, maybe it’s eating an eggroll at a certain restaurant, or maybe it’s something as stupid and mundane as doing my own laundry…but whatever triggers it, i get these pangs of sadness that overcomes me and it’s all i can do to just not lose it.

and then, of course, i have heard from her. i dare not respond to her, though i do know she reads the blog from time to time, because i’m afraid of what i would do. i know that we could never work out, but i think right now my heart still calls for hers and if we were to converse, rational thought would leave my body. but when i hear from her, it’s like little daggers piercing my heart. i need some time alone to think things through. i need some time to try and quell my heart and become less attached. i need to be less affected by her, because her absence is already agony, but her presence would only intensify my pain. it’s like the patient telling the doctor, “it hurts when i do this.” i need to stop doing this.

not having her in my life is painful. i miss everything about her and my days are long and though i try to fill my nights with something, they still pale in comparison to doing absolutely nothing so long as i was with her. but seeing what i am missing…or to tease myself with what i still yearn for…i just can’t handle that. i just need time to get over that.

you know the name of my blog? “what fools these mortals be!” it is because i am a fool to think that i could be so fortunate in love. my problem is that it seems that the light through yonder breaks seems like it could have been so good, but alas, it ends in tragedy instead.

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