it’s the last few hours of my twenty-eighthood and it’s time to purge all of the dead weight in my life and start anew.
i’m trying to start this year on a positive note. i’m trying to look for the good in people. i’m trying to make this a good year. but digging up all of these memories has sort of gotten me down a little.
i think it may be time to seek comfort in a little pearl tea or perhaps a chantico. i’m not sure yet, but i do need to find something to cheer me up.
that was one of the rudest things ever done to me. perhaps you should think a little and take other people into consideration before you go and impulsively make rash decisions.
it’s disappointing to see that some things just never change. what’s sadder still is that i keep hoping that they would. i should have known better and i’m done blaming myself or setting myself up for this false hope that i’ve held for you.
we’ve known each for some time, but it seems that we’ve never really gotten close. i don’t know if that’s because you build up all these walls around you, if i have the walls around me, or if it’s because it just wasn’t meant to be. but there are times when i know that i have been passively aggressive to you because i’m annoyed or disagree with some of your beliefs and attitudes about life.
it was actually a friend of mine who i haven’t had the chance to talk to much who said something to me that reminded me of you. she told me to “think positive.” and i think it’s time that i start to do that with you. i don’t think that there is anything inherently wrong, but i do think it’s time for an attitude adjustment on my part. so i’m going to try and think positive and see where it takes us.
it’s a whole new world, bud.
it’s been a rollercoaster of emotion the last few weeks. sometimes it’s hard to even remember where i was, what i was thinking, or why i’m doing it. i miss you. i do. i wish that we could go back to some happy place where everything was fine, but we have long since crossed that bridge.
each day seemed to be getting better than the day before, but there was the occassional stumbling block. seeing that you’ve removed me from your friendster friends, the scattered emails from you, and a few voicemails have thrown me a few times, but for the most part it’s been a steady journey to a better place.
last night’s unexpected shipment suprised me, and when i had realized what had happened, i rushed out into the rain looking for you. i searched around the corner, in the lot, and around the way, but you had already disappeared. maybe my courage was short in its existence, but the heart that i’ve been trying to grow cold over these last few weeks melted, if not for a little while.
the road to recovery feels long and unending, but i do see an end. i just wanted to say that though my actions may seem contrary, i still do think of you fondly and thank you.
i know that we haven’t been on the best of terms lately and our friendship seems to be predicated on all of these conditions. i guess i’ve been holding on to something that wasn’t really there anymore. i guess i really shouldn’t be surprised at what our friendship has come down to. i guess i really shouldn’t be disappointed because all of the signs have been there, i just choose not to see them.
i should have seen it coming. i should have known that things would have ended up like this. and i really shouldn’t be bothered by it. i really shouldn’t. but i still am. call it a character flaw, call it what you will, it doesn’t change things. oh well.
i guess i write you this letter as a farewell of sorts.
my roommate is making plans for my birthday dinner. she asked me what i thought about menu choices. when we got to the dessert portion of the menu, we had a choice between one or two desserts.
practically speaking, i answered, “well, we can probably do with just one dessert. i mean, we’re going to have cake too, so we probably don’t need to get two desserts…not that i’m assuming that i’m going to have a cake at my birthday dinner or anything, but you know, most people do, and so if i were to have a birthday cake, one might imagine that two desserts is not really necessary…but hey, you know, whatever.”