sad conversation

i was at a party the other day and we happened to get on to the topic of dating and exes. people were comparing how many people they’ve dated and so people took turns telling each other their number. two people said that combined they can count the number of relationships they’ve been in on one hand. then the other person blushed a little and said, “oh really? wow, i feel weird now. i think i dated like 6 people…” and then they looked at me and i was like, “uhhhh…well, can i not answer?”

but they made me answer and i told them that i think i have 9 exes since i started dating in high school. one of the guys at the party congratulated me for having dated so many people, but i had quite the opposite reaction. congratulate? uhhh, no, that isn’t quite the way i see. it’s actually kind of sad for me to say that i’ve been in so many failed relationships. it made me think a little after the party about why it is that so many relationships just haven’t worked out.

i think that it is safe to say that a few relationships shouldn’t “count.” i had no idea what i was doing back in high school and i think that those were some of my most poorly handled relationships…but hey, you never know what you are doing when you first start out, right?

and then i think i went through a phase that just wasn’t really me. it was more exploration and maybe a little desperation to find something and to be someone who i’m not.

and after all is said and done, i think that i’ve finally realized a lot of things about myself and relationships. i’m done trying to be someone who i’m not just so that i will be liked. i’m done trying to impress someone by doing things that i wouldn’t ordinarily do. i’m done trying to force myself to look for things that aren’t there in someone else.

but i don’t think that it is something to be proud of to have dated so many people. i know some people think that it’s all about the game and the conquest or whatever, but really, i think that’s rather lame. i’m much more interested in being with someone who i can share the rest of my life with….that is my endgame. nevermind having all of those experiences…i just want that one experience with the right person.

maybe it’s taken me quite a bit of time to figure out what i really want. maybe it’s taken me quite a bit of experimentation to get to where i am now. but having dated so much isn’t something to be proud of…it’s more a reminder of how unlucky i’ve been when it comes to the world of dating.


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