i’ve been trying to figure out whether or not to go to a friend’s get together later tonight. i haven’t really been in the much of a mood to go out these days, and i feel like i’ve been forcing myselt to not hole up in the apartment and just let the hours go by. i’m reluctant to go out though for a few reasons:

1) it’s thursday, so if i get trashed tonight, going to work tomorrow is going to be very unpleasant.
2) i don’t really know anyone who is going to be going to this thing except the guy who is throwing it.
3) i don’t know if i can really be in that kind of a friendly mood to go and talk to people and hang out. i…just…don’t…know.

a big part of me doesn’t want to go. a small part of me knows that if i go, it is a step in the right direction. i can’t just hole myself up forever and let the world pass by, no matter how much i want it to. today was supposed to be poker night, but i just am in no shape to entertain. maybe that should be reason enough not to go tonight.

maybe all i really need is some more dawson’s creek. right now andie and pacey have just started their courtship. andie found out that pacey isn’t as pure as he let on.

i remember a long time ago, i had told my girlfriend at the time that i was not really as pure as she had thought. it devastated her. for a long while i wasn’t sure if we were going to be able to weather through it. these days, i think about it and i just remember how easy it used to be. how innocent and naive relationships used to be. it just seemed so easy for everything to just work out.

whatever happened to that cheery optimism that i once had? reality, i guess…