it’s all heart

why is it that we thrust ourselves into positions that cause danger for ourselves? we all ultimately know that the decision we are about to make is foolish, yet we still feel compelled, despite common sense, despite logic, despite all reason, to go forth and do what our heart yearns for us to do.

the classic battle between the mind and heart. from a casual observer, one would say that the decision should be easy. if you objectively look at the consequences of your actions, you know that it is in your best interest not to pursue certain courses of action. yet, for some reason we will still go on and tread down the path of potential pain and suffering.

why do we do this to ourselves? what motivates us to look beyond everything that we know to be safe and venture off into the dangerous? what removes all sense and logic from us and debases us into single-track minded buffoons spiraling towards imminent disaster?

it’s all heart. it’s the unwavering belief that it can all work out, no matter how unlikely. it’s because we have either deluded ourselves that such greatness can become true or it is because we are willing to go through any pains on the hope that it will work out.

the problem with trying to argue with the desires of the heart is that logic and reason don’t apply in this realm. the heart has a tremendous capacity to ache and it is willing to risk this kind of heartache because it has an even greater capacity to love. and love is what drives us to do crazy things.

so the battle ensues. in the past, i have always been ruled by my heart. i have done things that make no apparent sense, and with hindsight i can’t quite make much sense about some of the things i’ve done. time and time again i will recognize the mistake i’m about to make, but i still make them. why? and time and time again i will suffer as a result of my actions.

most recently i feel that a big chunk of my life has been taken away from me as a result of something i did that i should have known better, but decided to follow my heart. my world has changed quite a bit and i do look back with some regret.

so when the time comes again where i’m faced with the decision of listening to my mind or listening to my heart, will i be more inclined to listen to logic? after everything i’ve been through? i sincerely hope so, but fear that i may not.

so sad.


sappy mood

i’ve been in a really sappy mood lately. i’m not sure what it is, but something has triggered this inner sap in me. i dug through my CD collection desperately looking for a CD. which CD? erasure’s i say, i say, i say.

and while i was digging through CDs, i found my copy of chicago’s greatest hits. man…i am such an 80s sap. i remember going through some of my greatest highs and lows with this cd. it brought me such great comfort that someone else knew how i was feeling.

it brings me back to such a day of innocence. i remember when jason and i drove to the mall the day the album was released and we both bought a copy. i think we may have actually gone at midnight to buy the album on the minute it was released. we were just that crazy. and it is one of my favorite erasure albums, full of unabashed optimism.

just gotta love it.


better than me

i really do enjoy playing volleyball with people who are better than me. i feel that i can learn from them and it inspires me to be a better player. last night i was playing volleyball with a person who was better than me and it did just those things. i do like it.