ugh. you know it’s not a good day when you write about how bad your day is and then your entry gets lost…
ok, let me try again.
i awoke early this morning from a bad dream. after i woke up i realized it was a bad dream and my immediate reaction was sadness from the dream and then more sadness that i was alone.
this used to be a recurring bad dream for me, but i stopped having them some time ago. i remember that i used to have this dream most frequently sometime after carol and i broke up.
the dream. there really isn’t much to the dream. it was set in the future and i saw myself in the dream. i was reasonably successful in my career, i had a reasonably nice house, i had reasonably nice friends, and i think everything in my life was reasonably good…except for the fact that i was alone. all of this time had passed and for one reason or another it came to be that i never really found that other person to share the rest of my life with.
it was this dream that made me inexplicably sad. so when i woke up from this bad dream i awoke to remember this sense of profound sadness that i had once felt. rolling over to the other side of the bed didn’t help any. instead it just reminded me of how there really isn’t that special someone in my life who i can love with unabashed enthusiasm.
it’s been a while since i’ve felt like that. it’s been a while since i could see myself feel like that for another person. and when i woke up this morning, i wondered for the first time in a long time if it is really something that i want to invite back into my life.
i do miss waking up next to someone. i do miss rubbing noses with that special someone. i do miss the soft touch of someone else’s lips on mine. when did i last kiss a girl? it’s been too long. i do miss being in a relationship.
but i do not miss being in a relationship that would not work. i think that i’ve just been in too many relationships that haven’t worked out that i’m just more selective now about the kind of person that i would want to pursue a relationship with. i think this is a good thing, no sense in wasting anyone else’s time, right?
i have a friend who is currently dating up a storm and having a lot of fun in the process. a part of me was envious about how they were able to juggle different people on different nights and just go out and have fun all the time. a part of me
i’m generally pretty content about how things are now and i think that this is just a momentary pang of sadness that i seem to have caught, but the dream hasn’t fully left my mind yet. i walked into the office this morning and it was pitch dark. the blinds are drawn and the lights are off. there is something about darkness that is comforting. maybe it’s because i feel like i can hide away from all of the troubles of the day under this cover of darkness. maybe it’s because it just suits my mood now. whatever the case may be, i really need to get out of this funk…and soon. i’m supposed to be going out tonight to have a good time. can’t be a killjoy.