on wednesday i went to this bar in san francisco called exilir which i think is in the mission. anyway, annie had invited me to go to the bar for this big fundraising thing where all the tips are donated to some cause. it was a big reunion of aphio people. i met some interesting people, shirley may have had a little too much to drink, but it was good fun.

yesterday was spent mostly sleeping and thinking. a lot has been on my mind as of late and yesterday was an opportunity to has things out and just think about things.

i’m not too sure where my head is these days, but the one thing that i do know is that my mood is still happy. and so for as long as that is the case, i think that i’m just fine. the last couple of nights have been pretty sleepless so i feel like i’ve been operating on not enough sleep. maybe that’ll change, but it is nice to wake up for a change and be happy to start the day instead of dreading for it to pass by.

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ugh. you know it’s not a good day when you write about how bad your day is and then your entry gets lost…

ok, let me try again.

i awoke early this morning from a bad dream. after i woke up i realized it was a bad dream and my immediate reaction was sadness from the dream and then more sadness that i was alone.

this used to be a recurring bad dream for me, but i stopped having them some time ago. i remember that i used to have this dream most frequently sometime after carol and i broke up.

the dream. there really isn’t much to the dream. it was set in the future and i saw myself in the dream. i was reasonably successful in my career, i had a reasonably nice house, i had reasonably nice friends, and i think everything in my life was reasonably good…except for the fact that i was alone. all of this time had passed and for one reason or another it came to be that i never really found that other person to share the rest of my life with.

it was this dream that made me inexplicably sad. so when i woke up from this bad dream i awoke to remember this sense of profound sadness that i had once felt. rolling over to the other side of the bed didn’t help any. instead it just reminded me of how there really isn’t that special someone in my life who i can love with unabashed enthusiasm.

it’s been a while since i’ve felt like that. it’s been a while since i could see myself feel like that for another person. and when i woke up this morning, i wondered for the first time in a long time if it is really something that i want to invite back into my life.

i do miss waking up next to someone. i do miss rubbing noses with that special someone. i do miss the soft touch of someone else’s lips on mine. when did i last kiss a girl? it’s been too long. i do miss being in a relationship.

but i do not miss being in a relationship that would not work. i think that i’ve just been in too many relationships that haven’t worked out that i’m just more selective now about the kind of person that i would want to pursue a relationship with. i think this is a good thing, no sense in wasting anyone else’s time, right?

i have a friend who is currently dating up a storm and having a lot of fun in the process. a part of me was envious about how they were able to juggle different people on different nights and just go out and have fun all the time. a part of me

i’m generally pretty content about how things are now and i think that this is just a momentary pang of sadness that i seem to have caught, but the dream hasn’t fully left my mind yet. i walked into the office this morning and it was pitch dark. the blinds are drawn and the lights are off. there is something about darkness that is comforting. maybe it’s because i feel like i can hide away from all of the troubles of the day under this cover of darkness. maybe it’s because it just suits my mood now. whatever the case may be, i really need to get out of this funk…and soon. i’m supposed to be going out tonight to have a good time. can’t be a killjoy.

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sometimes i feel like i’m so worn down that i just don’t really have the will to fight anymore.

when i get to such a phase in my life, i generally try to find something that will motivate me to make a difference again.

so…what is it going to take to make that difference now?

after getting into work today i was so hungry i wasn’t sure if i would be able to make it to lunch. by the time it was 8, i knew that i wouldn’t be able to hold out any longer so i went over to the local coffee shop and looked at the pastry selection. the first coffee shop i went to didn’t have my favorite donut so, dejected, i went to the other coffee shop that was nearby. i was originally looking for this cheesecake thing but they didn’t have it and i almost left twice as sad.

but it wasn’t for naught because i spied this danish that looked really good. it was about 8 inches in diameter and it was the last one i the display. it looked so lonely so i had to get it and help fulfill its danish destiny.

but the cashier told me that it was $2, i was a little surprised. “it had better me a good danish!” i thought to myself.

and now that i just finished it, let me just say…man, that was one good danish.

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i have been meaning to look at the pictures that i took at the big beach bbq, but i haven’t had a chance yet. so i guess i’ll write about it first and then post pictures later. this year’s bbq was considerably smaller than that of previous years but this may have been one of my more favorite bbqs i’ve thrown. maybe it’s because i was able to chat with everyone a little bit and that was nice.

there were a few faces that i hadn’t seen in a while and so it was good to be able to catch up with them as well as some new faces that i hadn’t seen before as well. but i think what i enjoyed most about the bbq was just how relaxing it felt. there wasn’t really much stress about putting it together or making sure everyone was happy or anything. it just seemed a lot more chill this year than years past.

i have to give many thanks to diana, jen, and jimmy who went early to stake a spot and set up the spot. jimmy and paul did a lot of good grilling too and that is always heavily appreciated. all in all it was good relaxing fun and i hope that everyone else who went had just as much fun as i did.

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why is it that we thrust ourselves into positions that cause danger for ourselves? we all ultimately know that the decision we are about to make is foolish, yet we still feel compelled, despite common sense, despite logic, despite all reason, to go forth and do what our heart yearns for us to do.

the classic battle between the mind and heart. from a casual observer, one would say that the decision should be easy. if you objectively look at the consequences of your actions, you know that it is in your best interest not to pursue certain courses of action. yet, for some reason we will still go on and tread down the path of potential pain and suffering.

why do we do this to ourselves? what motivates us to look beyond everything that we know to be safe and venture off into the dangerous? what removes all sense and logic from us and debases us into single-track minded buffoons spiraling towards imminent disaster?

it’s all heart. it’s the unwavering belief that it can all work out, no matter how unlikely. it’s because we have either deluded ourselves that such greatness can become true or it is because we are willing to go through any pains on the hope that it will work out.

the problem with trying to argue with the desires of the heart is that logic and reason don’t apply in this realm. the heart has a tremendous capacity to ache and it is willing to risk this kind of heartache because it has an even greater capacity to love. and love is what drives us to do crazy things.

so the battle ensues. in the past, i have always been ruled by my heart. i have done things that make no apparent sense, and with hindsight i can’t quite make much sense about some of the things i’ve done. time and time again i will recognize the mistake i’m about to make, but i still make them. why? and time and time again i will suffer as a result of my actions.

most recently i feel that a big chunk of my life has been taken away from me as a result of something i did that i should have known better, but decided to follow my heart. my world has changed quite a bit and i do look back with some regret.

so when the time comes again where i’m faced with the decision of listening to my mind or listening to my heart, will i be more inclined to listen to logic? after everything i’ve been through? i sincerely hope so, but fear that i may not.

so sad.

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i’ve been in a really sappy mood lately. i’m not sure what it is, but something has triggered this inner sap in me. i dug through my CD collection desperately looking for a CD. which CD? erasure’s i say, i say, i say.

and while i was digging through CDs, i found my copy of chicago’s greatest hits. man…i am such an 80s sap. i remember going through some of my greatest highs and lows with this cd. it brought me such great comfort that someone else knew how i was feeling.

it brings me back to such a day of innocence. i remember when jason and i drove to the mall the day the album was released and we both bought a copy. i think we may have actually gone at midnight to buy the album on the minute it was released. we were just that crazy. and it is one of my favorite erasure albums, full of unabashed optimism.

just gotta love it.

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i really do enjoy playing volleyball with people who are better than me. i feel that i can learn from them and it inspires me to be a better player. last night i was playing volleyball with a person who was better than me and it did just those things. i do like it.

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just got a dozen egg tarts.

i wonder how long they will last.

buy two, get one free at ruby king in oakland.

or 3 for $1.

or 12 for $4.

i don’t know why i didn’t get 15.

must wait until at least after lunch to eat them…

really.

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