in each of us exists a sadness so profoundly painful that we build tools to help us cope with the situation we are in. denial is a powerful mechanism that we employ to help shape reality into what we want. no, things can’t possibly be as bad as it looks. it just can’t. maybe, just maybe, it isn’t. that’s how it all starts.

i got stuck in a moment tonight where i felt i had hit a low, oddly enough in a time where there was rejoicing and happiness around me. but in that very moment, i felt more alone than i ever had. it was a poignant moment that i got sucked into and from that moment i tried desperately to escape the grasp of sadness’s unyielding hand.

i’m not sure what it was that triggered it all. maybe everything that has been happening to me for the last several weeks was just building up to that moment. maybe, secretly, i knew that the moment was coming and i was afraid of what it would be like. maybe that’s why i’ve been running away from everything familiar. maybe that’s why i’ve become obsessed with cleaning my room, my closet, my surroundings. maybe i’ve been doing everything that i possibly can to avoid this very moment.

i think what it all boils down to is denial. i’ve been trying to deny reality so that i won’t have to look it in the eye and see what it has dealt me.

and i was doing a good job of it…until tonight.