i’m not sure how [url=http://www.track15.com]dardy[/url] used to churn out 10 blog entries sometimes. i think this is my fourth blog of the day and i think i’ve run out of things to say.

well, that isn’t true.

one of the things that i’m starting to realize about myself when it comes to my nature is that i am particularly sensitive when it comes to people who i consider to be my closer set of friends. these are people who are closer than the outliers or acquaintences. in particular, i think that i’ve recently been exposed to people who seem to have a shorter temper than what i’m used to and they are not shy to express themselves. this has caused me some amount of angst because i think that when it comes from these people i take it pretty hard.

this is odd to me because i think that i generally tend to have a pretty thick skin, so i’m not sure why it is that i’m being so affected. usually i’m able to just brush things off and just shrug my shoulders and say, “whatever.” but these days i find myself obsessing more and more and i feel like i have to walk on eggshells around these people.

i’m not sure if this is something that is noticed by them or not. and instead of having to be super careful with everything i say, i think that what i do instead is that i try and distance myself away from these people so that i don’t have to deal with their outbreaks. if they are going to be unpleasant then i’m just going to stay away from them because i don’t need to deal with that kind of angst. i’m just too tired.

some people may categorize this kind of behavior as running away from your problems, but i don’t think that i’m running away from my problems. i have no desire to try and change these people (not that i think that they can be changed) nor do i feel compelled to call them on these outbursts because i don’t think that it’ll do any good anymore. i’ve tried and if history repeats itself, it just won’t make a difference.

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oh yeah, i forgot to mention that yesterday was my monday night volleyball playoffs. we were short one person and i was about to not go as well, but decided at the last night to go because the team was already short so many players.

we got eliminated after the first round. sort of disappointing, but not entirely unexpected. our team goes through a lot of ups and downs and the streaks were really hurting us. but this also marks the last time i’ll be playing on this team because my other team will be moving back to monday nights so i won’t be able to play with them.

since we were short players, when i was in the front, i was asked to be the setter…for those of you who don’t follow volleyball, me, or my playing volleyball, the setter position is usually left for people who can:

1) set
2) play the position
3) move around the court quickly

this position is not my forte and on top of that it also takes me out of the hitting rotation, which sucks, but oh well. but i’ve been improving my setting so i guess it was nice to see that the improvement has not gone unnoticed. but still, i felt like i was struggling a little bit. oh well.

wednesday will be the playoffs for the altera team. i’m really hoping that we’ll be able to play well, but with the new line up, it’ll be interesting to see how we do. i also happen to be setting that evening as well. neat! actually, i don’t mind setting on the altera team as much, it’s kind of fun to play the new position there.

and so that’s enough volleyball talk. i probably should find a new hobby. maybe i’ll take up photography again. i think that it’s time to organize a little photography outing. hmmmm, where to go? where to go?

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i didn’t go to work yesterday. i didn’t do much of anything yesterday, actually. i woke up and didn’t feel very good so i decided to call in sick and actually slept for most of the day. while i wasn’t sleeping, i was in bed watching tv instead. i got caught up on a lot of shows and got more caught up on a lot of sleep. too much sleep, maybe. the only time i got out of bed during the day was to go make a quick run at mcdonalds for some food.

the weekend was pretty chock full of stuff to do. it was a little overwhelming and i long for the weekend where i can just relax and enjoy it lazying about for a little bit. friday, we went to this club/bar/lounge place in the city called [url=http://www.fluidsf.com/]fluid[/url]. it was alright, pretty small, actually. the dance floor (if you can call it that) was pretty crowded and small. the go go dancers weren’t that impressive, and overall, i thought that the place was so-so. i was on the guest list which gave me a $5 discount on the cover, so instead of $15 it was $10. sort of lame.

but when i went to the bartender and got a drink, they gave me a free drink on them. i thought that was pretty cool. when i told shirley that, she asked if the bartender was hot and i replied, “yeah, i guess so, but they’re not my type.” she asks, “oh why not?” and i replied, “well, he’s a he. =P”

saturday i had breakfast with trang, ray, and shirley and then i spent the rest of the day running some errands and taking care of little odds and ends before heading over to trang and shirley’s party in the evening.

sunday, i had dim sum with some of shirley’s friends and then went to charlowe’s birthday party in the park. didn’t know too many people there, but was able to play some volleyball in the park which was fun. i was late to volleyball and missed the first game on sunday night, but was able to play out the rest of the evening and ref’d the last two games.

i’m not sure if i’m going to be returning to the JACL volleyball league on sunday nights. it takes away so much of my weekend activities and i’m just not sure if it’s worth it for me to do so anymore. i think i’m pretty much decided on this, unless maybe i get bumped up to the A pool. the A pool has a lot of off nights so it won’t feel like so many of my sundays are burned away. hmmm, i don’t think that that is going to be much of an option though because it seems like that pool is pretty full. decisions, decisions…

monday was spent sick and here i am now.

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i was at a party the other day and we happened to get on to the topic of dating and exes. people were comparing how many people they’ve dated and so people took turns telling each other their number. two people said that combined they can count the number of relationships they’ve been in on one hand. then the other person blushed a little and said, “oh really? wow, i feel weird now. i think i dated like 6 people…” and then they looked at me and i was like, “uhhhh…well, can i not answer?”

but they made me answer and i told them that i think i have 9 exes since i started dating in high school. one of the guys at the party congratulated me for having dated so many people, but i had quite the opposite reaction. congratulate? uhhh, no, that isn’t quite the way i see. it’s actually kind of sad for me to say that i’ve been in so many failed relationships. it made me think a little after the party about why it is that so many relationships just haven’t worked out.

i think that it is safe to say that a few relationships shouldn’t “count.” i had no idea what i was doing back in high school and i think that those were some of my most poorly handled relationships…but hey, you never know what you are doing when you first start out, right?

and then i think i went through a phase that just wasn’t really me. it was more exploration and maybe a little desperation to find something and to be someone who i’m not.

and after all is said and done, i think that i’ve finally realized a lot of things about myself and relationships. i’m done trying to be someone who i’m not just so that i will be liked. i’m done trying to impress someone by doing things that i wouldn’t ordinarily do. i’m done trying to force myself to look for things that aren’t there in someone else.

but i don’t think that it is something to be proud of to have dated so many people. i know some people think that it’s all about the game and the conquest or whatever, but really, i think that’s rather lame. i’m much more interested in being with someone who i can share the rest of my life with….that is my endgame. nevermind having all of those experiences…i just want that one experience with the right person.

maybe it’s taken me quite a bit of time to figure out what i really want. maybe it’s taken me quite a bit of experimentation to get to where i am now. but having dated so much isn’t something to be proud of…it’s more a reminder of how unlucky i’ve been when it comes to the world of dating.

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